Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) You’re a psychic little boy stuck in a stuffy hotel all winter. Luckily there are some other kids for you to play with—a pair of twin girls that show up and block the hallway while you’re riding on your tricycle. There’s something creepy about those two. Your dad is acting a little weird as well. All work and no play has driven him to the bottle. What is he drinking? Is that red rum? Why don’t you help him relax with a fun game of snowy hide-and-seek in the hedge maze? There’s no possible way that could go wrong.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Those teen years bring about some difficult changes for everyone, but you had it bad. One night you realized that a certain peak in the lunar cycle had a dramatic effect on your body… Particularly in your teeth and body hair follicles. Your dad started pounding on the door and you were so embarrassed. But things weren’t so bad once you realized that he suffered from the same condition. Besides, your enhanced basketball skills had the ladies howling, even though your teammates resented your lone-wolf playing style.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Here’s a tip. When you take your sweetie and your friends to that old cabin, don’t push “play” on any old tapes in the cellar. Nothing good can come of that. It happened to a guy I know. His friends all turned on him. Even his girlfriend seemed out to get him. She was the soul-swallowing type. Things got ugly fast. It was a real bloodbath if you know what I mean. Before he even knew what was happening he had to replace his hand with a chainsaw and teach some primitive screwheads how to retrofit your car with giant spinning propeller blades. I feel bad. If you see him, give him some sugar, baby.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Everyone always says you should make your dreams come true, but it’s not always a good idea. It’s especially bad when you can’t stop dreaming about some smartass guy with a scarred-up face and knives for fingers. Pretty soon all your friends’ bad dreams are coming true, and they’re dying gruesome, horrific deaths. You start pounding coffee all day to avoid making your dreams come true. Then you find out that all your parents have been keeping horrible secrets about bad men. So, do yourself a favor and ignore those “make your dreams come true” inspirational posters.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You know that being a single parent is hard. You never know how kids are going to respond to the changes. They’re so unpredictable. You turn your back for five seconds and before you know it they’re playing Ouija board with some imaginary friend called Captain Howdy. They start peeing on your rugs and barfing pea soup and throwing your old friends out the window. On the plus side, your kid speaks Latin better than any other kid on the block. Maybe some religion could help provide some much needed structure in her life. If I was you I’d call a priest right away.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Thank goodness summer is over so you don’t have to keep working at that creepy summer camp. I heard a kid drowned there a long time ago…? Yeah, it was because some of the counselors were banging each other instead of paying attention to the kids. There might be some kind of link between that case and the fact that all your friends keep getting murdered after they hook up. I feel bad for the mother of that kid who drowned all those years ago. Losing a kid like that must have driven her crazy. Poor little guy was a bit of a hockey fan I hear.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) There’s one particular place where you definitely don’t want to get buried. The Ramones even wrote a song about it. When you’re dead you want a peaceful rest, but this particular place won’t let you lie still. You’ll find yourself back out here in the land of the living, doing shitty things like slicing Herman Munster’s Achilles tendon. And you’ll have a very naughty kitty. Nah, don’t let your Dad bury you there no matter how sad he is. The massive-head-wound ghost will back me up on this. Sometimes dead is better.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Sometimes around that last day in October some creep escapes from the mental hospital and starts stalking you. He’s like a real life boogie man. He’s wearing a William Shatner mask but you can’t tell because it’s painted white. He got put in that hospital after he killed his sister when he was only six years old. I sure wouldn’t want to be related to that guy. Wait, you’re not related to him… Right? Doctor Loomis is almost as creepy as this stalker is, albeit in a much less murderous way. Are all psychopathic killers impervious to bullets? Be careful with that hanger—you’ll poke an eye out!
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) You know that new house you just got in the suburbs where you plan on living the old American dream with your wife and kids? I wouldn’t go getting too attached to that particular piece of property. I think that shady developer is hiding something. Your daughter is talking to the people in the TV who talk to her through the static. I wouldn’t get too attached to that daughter, either. I foresee an extended absence in her future. The good news is that a very small woman will help you find her. The bad news is that those voices from the TV will do just about anything to get her back. Don’t go into the light, Carol Anne!
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) It ain’t easy being the new kid in town. Sometimes you’re willing to do just about anything to fit in. Sometimes your little brother and his friends obsess over comic books while you try to join a gang with Kiefer Sutherland and “Bill” from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Yeah, ok, so they’re vampires. Whatever. They hang out with a really hot girl so who cares? It’s not really an issue. It’s not like the head vampire is slowly seducing your mother with nefarious intentions. Ok, maybe we do have a problem. Where’s grandpa when we need him?
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Norman is a nice enough guy. His motel is clean and affordable. But there’s more to Norman than you might guess at first glance. For one, you’ll find out pretty quickly that he’s a bit of a mama’s boy. That’s not such a big deal though, right? Well, he’s also kind of a voyeur. Hm, a bit creepy but kind of kinky at the same time. Some might say that a straight man who can dress in drag must be very comfortable in his own masculinity. I’m not judging him or anyone else. I’ll tell you this though: Do stay far away from his motel showers.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) You and your obnoxious brother are going to visit your dad’s grave one day, but his teasing is going to be the least of your worries. That little prick is going to get clobbered by a strangely staggering man while you run away and board yourself up in a house full of strangers. See, there’s a bunch of dead people lumbering around outside who want to eat you. Yeah, they’re dead—they’re all messed up. Some kind of radiation from outer space might be the cause. We’re not sure. But it’s the living ones you need to watch out for. They’re coming to get you, Barbara.