Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Beware, Capricorn! Take heed of this dire warning to same yourself from an awful fate. You will alienate your family. Your friends will turn against you. Trusted advisors will lie to spite you. Children will callously mock you. You will bring horror and shame upon your house for one thousand generations or more. All this shall come to pass, dear Capricorn, unless you stop wearing pleated pants.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Your star chart indicates that there’s a great chance to find random money in an old pair of jeans this week. What are you doing? Put the paper down and go check your closets/dressers/hampers. I’ll wait for you to get back. Go ahead. I’m waiting. Still waiting. Jeez, you’re taking forever. I’m starting to think you found the money and decided to go on a shopping spree instead of reading the rest of this. Well, that’s too bad because there’s more: All that cash was infected with the virus that causes hot-chili-pepper-burning-diarrhea-syndrome and now you’ve got it.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Every year at Thanksgiving you gather your family and, one-by-one, you say what you’re thankful for. Isn’t that nice? Pat yourself on the back for taking five minutes out of the year to stop thinking all the normal greedy thoughts about how much you want all the things you don’t have. The elder gods have heard enough about how thankful you are to have a roof over your head and food in your belly. When was the last time you expressed thankfulness over the fact that a gigantic interdimensional ancient alien hasn’t come to eat Earth like a grapefruit? Oh, you haven’t ever felt thankful for that? Big mistake. Now we’ll have to learn the hard way.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) As long as you can remember you’ve felt “different.” You have strong intuition and vivid dreams that seem to come true. Your friends think that you must be psychic. If you squint just right you can read people’s auras. You feel a sense of interconnectedness with the universe that other people just don’t seem to grasp. In other words, you’re a delusional narcissist who doesn’t understand how to use logic in weighing the relative value of your subjective anecdotal evidence. Take a class in statistics, Nostradamus.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You’re going to be crammed into a tiny space, shoulder to shoulder with hundreds of other prisoners. Your lips will be cut off. You’re going to be fed an unnatural diet designed to fatten you up. You’ll be deprived of sleep to encourage you to spend more waking hours eating. Your captors will punch you and stomp you and engage in all kinds of brutality against you and your companions. Relief will only come after being hung by your legs under the influence of electrocution-induced paralysis and having your throat slit. Your last conscious sensation as you bleed out will be the shock of scalding hot water to remove your feath… Oh wait. This wasn’t for you. I accidentally read the star chart for your factory-farm-raised turkey. My bad. Happy Thanksgiving!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) November 15th is Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day. This is a particularly terrifying day for Geminis, who tend to be disgusting slobs. Here’s what you’ll need: rubber gloves, safety goggles, a torch, a hazmat suit, a shotgun, and three gold coins. Use the torch to light your way as you enter the dark cavernous depths of the back of the fridge. You’ll need the 3 gold coins to pay Penny Cillin, the Ferryman, to carry you across the river of rancid mystery liquids. When you reach the Tribe of the Moldy Birthday Cake from 2004, use your shotgun to slay the putrid lettuce guards. Be sure to aim for the head. Yes, this entire entry was a long build up for a lousy pun about heads of lettuce. Hey, don’t blame me—it was in your star chart.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Bolo ties, y’all. It’s time for you to bring them back. For too long the bolo tie has been maligned, slandered, and locked up in a box in your grandpa’s closet. Enough is enough. It is time to liberate the bolo! Call your grandpa. Ask him how Nana is doing. Compliment his taste in sock garters. When he’s good and buttered up, tell him that you want to bust out his bolos, preferably the turquoise one. Slip that bad boy around your neck and cinch it up tight. Or, for a gangster look, cinch it up halfway to let everyone know that you’re big pimping.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) This is the time of the year when Earth passes through the colon of the Leo constellation. This indicates wealth, happiness, romantic adventures, and butt fungus. Butt fungus is not good. According to the CBFC (Center for Butt Fungus Control), Butt Fungus is the 3rd leading cause of driving slow in the left lane. These statistics have led scientists to discover an epidemic of butt fungus in Utah. Please do your part to keep butt fungus out of Idaho by only using the left lane to pass.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Hey, sup Virgo? Your family and friends have asked me to ask you to stop posting those obnoxious oversimplified political memes on your social networking sites. You know the ones I’m talking about–the pictures that argue against a strawman representation of what the other side actually stands for. But that’s not all. They also want you to stop posting pictures of landscapes with dull, overly general “inspirational” quotes. No, the meaning of life cannot be distilled down to one sentence in front of a photo of horses running on the beach. Additionally they’d like to rip off your caps lock button and shove it in a very uncomfortable anatomical space. I’ll let you guess. Writing your dumb thoughts in all caps doesn’t make them any more interesting, authoritative, or true. The opposite seems to be true. In summary, please go live in a cave with no internet. Thanks.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Shut up and grow a mustache. No, I don’t want to hear your excuses. I can just hear your whining already. “But I’m a lady! I don’t want a mustache!” Oh please. Get down off your high horse and think about someone else’s feelings for once in your life. “But I can’t grow a mustache!” You lazy turd. You can do anything you set your mind to. If that mustache isn’t coming in it just means you aren’t trying hard enough. “I can’t grow a mustache because a snake ate my upper lip!” Ok, fine. Libras whose upper lips were eaten by snakes don’t have to participate. The rest of you should keep in mind that mustaches are the only proven method to repel lip-eating snakes.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Scientists think they are so smart. Always trying to tell us what’s real, what not to be scared of, which newspaper columns not to read. Yeah, that’s right science. I’m calling you out on your anti-astrology stance. Admitted scientician, atheist (and likely Satan worshipper) Carl Sagan infamously lamented the fact that every newspaper has an astrology column instead of a science column. Guess what Carl? Stop being a sore loser. Astrology is superior to science in every possible way. Science gave us atomic bombs; astrology gives us love advice. Checkmate science. Maybe science will get a column when it starts producing something useful for our daily lives. That is what you perverted science nerds might call a “fact.” At least that’s what you’d call it if you could manage to stop injecting the pots and having drunken orgies with penguins.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Black Friday, bitches. That’s your motto. You own that shit. Never afraid to knock down an old lady for a sale, you rule the corporate megastore with an iron fist full of debit cards. For you, November is one long slow countdown to the day of reckoning, when you will ride your noble minivan steed into battle against hordes of your fellow consumer culture warriors. Woe be unto she who would cross thy path between you and the latest hit holiday toy, for you shall run that bitch down with your shopping cart chariot and leave her broken body for the vultures and carrion. Why do you do this? Because Jesus’s birthday is next month and you want everyone to know how much you love Him.