June 4th is Old Maid’s Day. This holiday started after World War II. Apparently someone thought we needed a holiday to remind the returning GIs that there were a bunch of unmarried ladies (of a certain age) waiting for them to come home and put a ring on it. It’s a good thing, because there’s no way a bunch of horny young guys would have remembered that there are girls in America without such a holiday. Speaking of old maids (and their cat-collecting male counterparts), let’s talk about you. Here is your astrological reading for all the reasons why no one will ever love you and you’ll die pathetic and alone.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) This is weird but there’s actually nothing wrong with you. Unlike any of the rest of these losers, you’re actually desirable. People find you attractive, witty, funny, and charismatic. You’ve never had a problem finding a date and you probably never will. So you’ve grown accustomed to adoration from throngs of admirers, and that endless stream of ego affirmation has raised your standards to unrealistic levels. Eventually you’ll die pathetic and alone like these other losers, but at least it’ll be your choice. You’re too picky.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Nobody expects you to know everything but you can barely carry on a conversation. Do you ever have trouble remembering to breathe? Have you ever had trouble figuring out how to pour water out of boot, even when the instructions were written on the bottom of the heel? Do you watch shows starring the Kardashians? Anyone ever compare you to the dullest tool in your shed? There’s a rational explanation, and it’s this–You’re going to die pathetic and alone because you’re a goddam idiot.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) You don’t know this, but you’re the subject of a reality show and we’re all in on it. There are hidden cameras all around you at all times of the day—When you wake up, when you eat breakfast, when you go to work, when you go out, when you go to the bathroom. Yes, I said “When you go to the bathroom.” People have to pay extra for access to that content but it’s very popular on certain fetish websites. Anyway, part of the joke is that everyone you know is an actor. They’re all faking and always have been. The producers have scheduled you to have an exciting romantic fling in season 42, but unfortunately the show will be cancelled after season 37 due to low subscription numbers on German porn websites.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Your feet are weird. What’s wrong with them? I mean, the size, the shape, the… Smell? Do they even make shoes in your size? Have your boot prints ever been mistaken for sasquatch tracks? Have the neighbors asked you to stop taking walks around the block because it results in earthquakes? Can you kick a soccer ball farther than three miles. The answer to all these questions is a resounding YES. You’re going to die pathetic and alone because your feet are weird.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Do you know how nuclear fusion works? What about quantum mechanics? It’s highly doubtful, since you don’t even seem to have a handle on English grammar. Stop the mansplaining, you condescending asshole. Stop stating your opinions as if they were facts. Stop arguing about things that you know nothing about. You aren’t fooling anyone into thinking that you have greater-than-average intelligence. You’re going to die pathetic and alone because you’re a Mr.-Know-It-All.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Fashion is subjective. I get that. And no, not everybody can afford to keep up with the latest styles from Milan and Paris. That’s not what I’m suggesting. But you don’t have to be a fashion mogul to put a little bit of thought into your outfit. And by “a little bit of thought” I mean just don’t get dressed in the dark. You’re going to die pathetic and alone because your socks never match.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) What is that smell? Did you just eat a turd? Did someone pour a box of used kitty litter down your throat? Did something crawl in your mouth and die? When’s the last time you brushed your teeth? I’ve smelled waste treatment facilities that are like roses compared to the smell emanating from your blow hole. You are going to die alone and pathetic because your breath is just awful.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Coldplay? Really? Bieber?! Your taste in music is awful. Nobody is going to ask you out on a second date after the question of musical preferences gets raised. Dear God in heaven, you listen to Creed? Forget second dates. You’ll be lucky if your partner doesn’t organize thousands of people to surround your home with torches and pitchforks. Nickelback?! Just stop. I can’t take any more of your bullshit. That last sentence is coincidentally the last sentence you’ll hear on every date.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Listen. We’re all impressed with your flexibility but this is too much. Please remove your toes from your mouth. Biting your fingernails is one thing; it’s a filthy habit but people will cut you slack. Biting your toenails is just disgusting. Do you know how many bacteria live down there? A shit ton. That’s how many bacteria live down there. Not to mention sweaty sock lint. Nobody wants to kiss a mouth full of sweaty sock lint. You’re going to die alone and pathetic because you bite your toenails.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You’re nice but what’s up with your brothers and cousins? They’re like fricken vultures, always waiting for an opportunity to scavenge and pick you apart when you’re at your weakest. Your phone is ringing, which must mean that your brother wants to borrow money again. Those people are savage ignorant illiterate alcoholic scumbags. You will die alone and pathetic because your family is a pack of redneck psychopaths
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) These chips are made for dipping. And that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days you’ll double-dip in front of your boyfriend/girlfriend and they’ll be disgusted. They’ll kick you to the curb instantly. Double-dipping chips is a terrible thing to do. It’s unsanitary, aesthetically abhorrent, and did you know Hitler used to do it? Hitler was a notorious double-dipper and you’re just like him. You will die pathetic and alone. Just like Hitler.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Amoebas. Lice. Tape worm. Larvae. You’re infested with parasites and it’s not sexy. Scientists infected you with parasites while you were asleep. Why? Who knows? They’re dumb liars (read last week’s column to understand why). The important thing to remember is that all those creepy crawlies are laying eggs all over in you. Like seriously, all over, from your head to your toes, and from your skin to your internal organs. All of those monsters are going to hatch and they’re all going ot be hungry. You’re going to die pathetic and alone because you’ll be eaten alive by parasites before you have the chance to get hitched.