Science is a dumb liar sometimes.
Dear Science Nerds: Newsflash! If science is real then how come it doesn’t validate astrology? Checkmate. I get so tired of these 4-eyed geeks trying to tell me what’s real and what’s not real. You can’t prove that the moon isn’t made of cheese, or that my cats can’t speak to each other in English whenever I go to the store! Go ahead and try; I’ll wait… Ok, I’m done waiting because you and your science are boring and I’m going to believe what I want anyway. Scientists love experiments so I called my cousin to do science. Together we made the following discoveries about the dumb lies the dumb lying scientists tell us.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that the Earth revolves around the sun. Hello?! My cousin watches the sun rise in the morning, float across the sky, and then set in the evening on the other side of the horizon! His eyes don’t work so good anymore. But how could the sun do all that floating unless it’s revolving around us? Dumb lying scientists need to put down the astrophysics books and pick up an astrology column once in a while. Idiots.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that humans landed on the moon. As if! Everyone knows that Stanley Kubrick was the director of all that fake moon landing footage, and that it was actually Bea Arthur and Sammy Davis Jr in those astronaut suits. Lindsay Lohan was originally cast to play the part of Buzz Aldrin but she passed it up to start pre-production on Herbie Fully Loaded. Herbie Fully Loaded was a much better film, if you want to know my honest opinion. All that black and white spaceman crap is a yawnfest. That Herbie, though—What a character! Personality for miles! Get it?! He’s a car so he goes for miles… Unlike moon rockets, since the moon is only 400 yards above the ground. One time my cousin hit his head on it when he jumped off the top platform at Lava Hot Springs. Seriously you guys.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that the Earth is not hollow. That’s obviously false, because where would the damn mole-men live if the Earth isn’t hollow? How dumb do you science turds think we are? How do you dumb scientists find dinosaur bones underground if there’s no hollow place for Odin to hide them? How could all the water disappear when it goes down the storm drain unless it was going into the hollow earth? My cousin looked down there and he couldn’t see shit. It’s like you guys aren’t even trying.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that human activity is driving global climate change. Yeah, right. As if that’s even possible. Think of how many people have air conditioners. Mine runs 24 hours a day, even in winter, so if anything the world is probably getting colder. My cousin leaves the refrigerator open all the time. He opens the fridge door and just stares. He’ll stare for hours. Mama says he’s touched in the head. Meanwhile, all the cold air comes out. I know because that’s why the milk gets so lumpy. Piss off, science jerks.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that chemtrails are a figment of my imagination. Puh-lease! If chemtrails aren’t real then how come they poisoned my cousin and made him do dumb stuff like eat all the thumbtacks? He did! And then I looked outside and there were clearly whispy chemtrails crisscrossing the sky. Obviously the government wants to poison us and make us eat all the thumbtacks because they want me to stop posting my glamour shots on the post office cork board. Forget it, Obama! My glossy 8x12s are going in your precious post offices even if my cousin eats all the thumbtacks and leaves little thumbtack-riddled turds all over the grass in the front. That part is ok; it keeps the scientists off our lawn.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that evolution is real. Ok then, science mans. If that’s true, then how come I can’t shoot lasers out of my eyes and do kissing to Jean Grey like Cyclops does? My cousin and I watch X-Men every day and we still don’t have powers. If evolution is real, then how come my cousin didn’t grow wings when I pushed him off the roof? He just fell. He landed right on his head. He hasn’t been the same ever since. He’s like a hairy slobbering potato. Sometimes he growls if you try to pet him through the bars of his cage. Science is wrong yet again.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that fluoride is safe and good for your teeth. My cousin says fluoride is a mind control potion brewed by witches. So which is it, scientists? It can’t be good for your teeth AND be witch potion at the same time. I got some toothpaste, the kind with fluoride and tartar control. I rubbed it around on my cousin’s gums in the spots where his teeth fell out. Guess what? His teeth didn’t grow back. So now his mind is controlled by a witch. Mama says that’s why he doesn’t talk anymore except for grunts and whoop-whoops when he hears the ice cream truck.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that detox diets are bullshit. They say that your kidneys and liver detox you regardless of what you eat. If that’s true then how come my cousin spends $8,000 per month on special detox pills and supplements? Scientists make me so mad. They obviously have toxic head syndrome as a result of not detoxing from all the toxins. Nothing else explains how they got so dumb. My cousin caught the toxic head syndrome back in ’84. That’s why he’s detoxing so hard, and also the reason why we can’t leave him alone with the turtles.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that gravity is a fact. Right. Dear scienshits, let me clue you in. Your own dumb books admit that gravity is just a theory. Why else could birds and planes fly? One time my cousin had a bunch of balloons for his birthday. He got tangled in the strings and he floated away. We were chasing him around trying to hit him with a coconut but he was too high. How come my cousin goes higher than coconuts? You sciendicks have no idea what you’re talking about.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that diseases are often caused by teeny tiny little cooties called germs. Baloney! I got a magnifying glass and examined every inch of my cousin’s head. It’s pitted and oblong like a potato. I didn’t see a single germ. How come his head is like a potato if there’s no germs? Mama says you are what you eat and my cousin eats cheesy mashed potatoes every day. How come you scientits don’t know that if you’re so smart?
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that you should get vaccines. But why? Big pharma is making you sick so you keep coming back. “Follow the money!” That’s what my cousin said. So we threw a dollar into the wind and followed it. We got all the way past 8th Street before my cousin fell in the tar pits. Now he looks like a giant woolly turd because he’s all sticky and he can’t sleep unless I sprinkle him with wool. Thanks Big Pharma!
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Dumb lying scientists will tell you that GMOs are just as safe as conventional and organic foods. But everybody knows Monsatan gave all the scientists a bunch of corn that was injected with witch potions, and now they just say nonsense words like “consensus” and “relative toxicity.” What language are you speaking scientists? Germanium? Guess what? We defeated Germanium in WWII and now we speaks English. My cousin ate a GMO and then we did all these experiments that made him a woolly, sticky, drooling, whoop whooping potato head. Thanks Monsatan!