May 18th is International Museum Day. You probably plan on celebrating by pretending like you’ve never heard of this holiday. Unacceptable! You need to go enjoy the great museums around SE Idaho. There’s the Museum of Idaho, the Idaho Museum of Natural History at Idaho State, and the Idaho Potato Museum. There’s the Art Museum of Eastern Idaho and the Museum of Clean. You’re drowning in a sea of museums, you dingus. But I know I’m wasting my breath. You’re not going to get off your ass to go learn something or, God forbid, better yourself as a human being. You’re just going to sit there, watching mind-numbing television and reading brain-rotting astrology columns. That’s why history will not remember you as a good or useful person. No—In fact, your less praiseworthy personality attributes will be your lasting legacy. They’ll build monuments to your ineptitude. They’ll dedicate a museum in your honor; it’ll be a museum dedicated to preventing another person’s life from being as undesirable as yours. I’ve looked into the crystal ball, buried deep beneath the sink in the top secret underground Horrorscope laboratory’s bathroom. Here’s a list of all the museums that will be dedicated to you losers.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) There, their, they’re. You couldn’t care less about the proper usage of these words. You use them interchangeably, willy-nilly, as if they’re all the same. Let me waste my time by telling you how to use these words in the context of the shame your great, great, great grandchildren will feel when someone mentions your name: THERE will be no celebrations in your honor when THEIR calendars flip to your birthday because THEY’RE going to be embarrassed. Your future museum dedication will be The Museum of Humiliating Grammar Apathy.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You think you know everything but you don’t. You’re so full of shit that I’m not even sure you recognize the limits of your own knowledge. Would it be so painful just to say those three little words? I. Don’t. Know. Would the pain of forming those words on your lips cause you to convulse and seize and froth at the mouth? Would it crack your mind like a rotten egg to admit that you, a high school dropout, are not an expert on health and nutrition? Or nuclear science? Or genetics? Or anything at all? You’ll never learn any real facts because you can’t shut up long enough to hear someone else explain things to you. It’s a terrible waste of an intellect, but you don’t care. You’ll just keep telling yourself that you’re right and everyone else is wrong. Your future museum dedication will be The Museum of Being a Goddam Know-It-All.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Given a choice between world peace or a fancy car, you’d take the car. You think availability of hair styling product is more of a priority than availability of drinking water in developing countries. You find it hard to feel bad for starving children when you’re facing the prospect of having a closet full of clothes but nothing good to wear. Your future museum dedication is the Museum of Oblivious Self-Importance.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Dutch ovens aren’t funny. A Dutch oven, as you know, is when you’re laying in bed with another person, your victim, and you pass gas. You then throw the blankets over that person’s face and hold them down so they have no choice but to breath your waste gases. This is a particularly nasty thing for you to do since your future museum dedication is the Museum of Obnoxiously Foul Farts.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Where did you study comedy? Your jokes have no structure, and your delivery is characterized by terrible timing. Don’t worry though. Not being funny isn’t the end of the world. Some career paths are perfect for unfunny people. You could have a future career in writing Horrorscopes, where being funny is apparently not a requirement for long-term paying gigs. Your future museum dedication is the Museum of Terribly Unfunny Jokes.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your friends are tired of driving you home. They’re tired of holding your hair while you barf. They’re tired of dragging you away from creepy guys/gals who’re hitting on you at last call. They don’t want to answer your drunken texts and calls, or clean up after your drunken “party fouls.” Your future museum dedication is the Museum of Sloppy Drunkenness.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Let’s talk about your vehicle. Let’s talk about your energy consumption. Maybe we should have a word about your diet choices. And let’s definitely talk about your recycling habits. Nobody’s perfect. But everyone can, and should, do more. You won’t though. Your future museum dedication is the Museum of Completely Preventable Environmental Damage and the Selfish Pricks Who Cause It.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Hey, did you hear that you can cure cancer by eating food that’s less acidic? Did you hear that climate change is a myth? Did you hear that organic food is grown without pesticides? Did you hear that vaccines cause autism? Did you believe any of those things you heard? If so, your future museum dedication is the Museum of Gullible Nincompoops.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) You’re pretty convinced that everything is terrible and scary and part of a conspiracy. There’s a small cabal of powerful men who make all the decisions, or so you tell your friends. They’re so powerful that they brainwash everyone into doing their bidding. Because humans are so stupid they can be brainwashed into voting a certain way or buying a certain brand or ignoring idiots like you. Your future museum dedication is the Museum of Irrational Fears and Fearmongering.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) That guy drives a Lexus. He must be smart. That girl is beautiful. She must be dumb. That lady is always chatting with different men. She must be promiscuous. That guy never drinks beer. He must be Mormon. That guy is rude. He must be an atheist. This guy writes Horrorscopes. He must be devilishly handsome and wicked smart. Your future museum dedication is the Museum of Superficial Misconception Development.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) I’m not trying to shame you here. Fetishes are sort of an underreported thing. Everybody has… Something… Something unusual that gets them… Excited. Some people’s fetishes are less common than others, and some fall miles away from what’s considered “normal” in polite society. Your future museum dedication is the Museum of People Who Like to Have Sex With Ketchup Bottles While Dressed as Cartoon Animals and Singing the Star-Spangled Banner. Own it.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) All joking aside, we had some disturbing news from Idaho Falls last week. To all the guys who walk around flexing on each other and looking for conflict, all the guys who are so pathetically weak at controlling your anger and aggression, and all the guys whose hatred is so blind that you feel eager to physically punish another human being… Who do you think you’re fooling? You aren’t strong. You aren’t powerful. You aren’t respected. You’re a terrified little man who doubts his own worth. You think you can prove yourself by smashing another dude’s face in? Another dude who grew up watching the same cartoons as you, and cheering for the same sports teams as you, and feeling the same fear and pain that you feel—This is who you perceive as your enemy? There is no fulfillment at the end of that road, friend. That thing you hate in the other man… It’s nothing but a projection of things you hate about yourself. Your future museum dedication is the Museum of People Who Need to Change Their Violent Ways or Get the Hell Out of Our Community.