May 12th is the day you’ve been looking forward to all year. That’s right, it’s National Limerick Day! National Limerick Day started in 1987 to celebrate the time that the Spanish Armada was defeated by a floating fleet of cabbage bins. No, wait… Ah, I see. Yes, I consulted the star charts and the cosmic energies that run our lives have corrected me. Apparently Limerick Day has less to do with cabbage bins, and more to do with a man from Nantucket. See, his genitals were abnormally large, which must have been a really frustrating disability. Naturally everyone was excited when he defeated the Spanish Armada. Wait… No, apparently that’s not true either. In any event, the infinite cosmos has inspired me to bestow you with a Horrorscope reading in the form of a limerick. If you enjoy highfalutin poetry with beautiful prose and deep philosophical symbolism then I’ll advise you to stop reading immediately.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Everybody knows what you’re doing, up there, alone, in your room at night. We see the glow from the computer screen illuminating the space between the bottom of your door and the carpet. Don’t be embarrassed. We should all celebrate your self-love. I wrote you this limerick:
You are such a sweet Capricorn
But you’ve got a small problem with porn
I checked browser hist’ry
And now it’s no myst’ry
Why your bishop appears so forlorn.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Idaho Falls is a beautiful town. I remember picnicking near the falls as a child. It was a lovely sunny day. There were ducks walking around and swimming. Squirrels were cautiously approaching for scraps. And then suddenly I had a vision of you and what you are going to do this week. Here, I wrote you this limerick to explain:
An Aquarius goes to the Falls
There’s an island of rocks where he crawls
It’s wet; he slips
Does seven backflips
And lands awkwardly, breaking his balls
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) You’re known for your thick luscious hair. It looks great. It really does. That’s why I, a follicly challenged man with a shaved head, hate you. So instead of a limerick I wrote you something that’s more like a curse. Enjoy!
I know of a shaggy old pisces
Who slurps copious volumes of Icees.
Brain freeze! Then an itch
Well now ain’t this a bitch?
I guess his noggin’s infested with lice-ees.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) You’ve always had bad taste in men, but who am I to judge? Remember when you dated that guy who kept licking his lips all the time? Creepy. Or the guy who wouldn’t stop touching your feet? Yuck. The SE Idaho dating pool is extremely shallow so I guess beggars can’t be choosers. It’s not like you’re a prime dating candidate. I wrote this limerick for your future spouse:
There’s a lady in Chubbuck who marries
Her fiancé, a smelly dumb Aries
He’s not very smart
He keeps lighting his fart
But she loves him and the gasses he carries
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You bull-headed bastard. Stop cow-tipping. It can’t possibly be legal (Disclaimer: Don’t take legal advice from a horoscope column). What’s the best case scenario? The cow poops on you? You’re an asshole. Here’s a limerick to share with your friends so they know to avoid you:
A Taurus is prone to throw fits
Cow-tipping with them is the pits
You gave it a nudge
The damn thing wouldn’t budge
But if you pull on the tail the cow shits
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Have you ever read one of those stories about twins who are separated at birth, but end up living remarkably similar lives? As a Gemini you’re either one of those twins or you’re someone who fantasizes about sexing some twins. It’s not going to happen though. Check it:
Your sign is the twins in the stars
But stop looking for siblings in bars
Take off your leather
They won’t bang you together
Your kinkiness has gone too fars
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) It shoudn’t be legal for people to have babies in Idaho who fall under the birthdates of Cancer. What would SE Idahoans know about crabs? Not a damn thing, unless you’re talking about the pubic lice. You know all about that. I wrote this limerick about your bad habits at the public swimming pool:
Crabs are a sign from the sea
When you’re in the pool please don’t pee
You feel so entitled
Then your bladder unleashes on me
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Leos are cocky bastards. You think you run this town? You’re wrong. Astrology run this town, and I run astrology. If you’ve got a problem with that then you can move. As the old saying goes, “America: Love it or leave it. Idaho: Love Horrorscopes or leave it.” Not that you care. Here’s a limerick that describes my lack of affection for you.
The Leo’s the king of the beasts
Lesser animals become his feasts
I find that absurd
For you, sir, are a turd
I’ll believe that until I’m deceased
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Look, I know SE Idaho hasn’t graduated from the 1950’s yet, but you should know that the rest of the world is sexually liberated. You don’t have to feel bad about being a human being with sexual desires. Go forth and enjoy your body with other consenting adults. Here’s a limerick for the haterz:
The virginal Virgo of yore
Is no better than today’s so-called “whore”
You’ll screw or you won’t
Do I care? I don’t
So don’t go on slut-shaming no more
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You don’t have kids. Nobody would be dumb enough to make babies with you because you’re a weirdo. If you did have kids you’d have awkward nonsensical conversations with them. This limerick is an example of the dumb chats you’d have with your offspring:
“What the hell is a Libra?” she said.
“Some scales for weighing your bread.”
“Why do I need its weight?”
“Shut up. Clean your plate.”
“Dad, I think that you’re F’d in the head.”
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Reminder: The 10th is Mother’s Day. Yes, you forgot, because you suck. You’re kind of a douchebag. You won’t call your mom. She probably deserves it since she raised such a shitty kid. Here’s what will happen instead, in limerick form obviously:
Scorpio mouth like a spider that stings
Whenever the effing phone rings
“Leave me alone, troll!”
“This is Mom, you asshole!”
Ah, the joy that your Mother’s Day brings
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) People can be so crass. And by “people” I mean you. People like you are the reason that kids today know more about poop fetishes than their parents do. If your kids have internet access then gods help you. Your spawn already knows more than you knew when you were 30. That’s not necessarily a good thing if you intend to raise your children with repressive sexual standards. Someday they’ll find out what a pervert you are and they’ll rebel. Here’s a limerick about you and your dirty mind.
You’re filthy; that’s why you’re alone
Mind so dirty that it makes me groan
That obscure lewd rhyme
Means it’s Urban Dictionary time
To find the meaning of “rusty trombone”