Sometimes people wonder if the holidays I talk about are real or something I just make up. To these people, I say how dare you. How dare you question the legitimacy of an astrology column? As if I would tarnish the good name of astrology after thousands of years of 100% accurate horoscope readings. I would never besmirch the scientifically proven art of the sun signs by making up fake holidays. My own personal reading says that I would never do that—Checkmate disbelievers! Now that I’ve set the record straight about never making up holidays for a Horrorscope gimmick, that brings us to this week’s holiday of note: Make Your Own Holiday Day on March 26th. Your charts all indicate that you lack the creativity and initiative to make up your own holidays so I’ll make up a holiday for you.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) La dee dee! La dee da! You’re living in a world of enchantment. By virtue of either ignorance or denial or both, you find yourself unaffected by the unpleasantries that plague your fellow man. Wars, famines, diseases… Poverty, bigotry, douchebaggery… Who needs to worry about such things when you’ve been born into enough privilege to avoid having to see them? Your Horrorscope holiday is Too Privileged to Give a Shit Day.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) As an Aquarius you have a problem that isn’t easily dealt with. It’s embarrassing to talk about, but come on. We can’t change what we won’t acknowledge. Let’s go ahead and face your embarrassing secret. No, let’s do one better—Let’s celebrate it. You’re going to feel so much better once this weight is lifted off your chest. So we’re going to name your holiday after the band who you’re so ashamed to love. Your Horrorscope holiday is National Nickelback Day.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Don’t laugh at Aquarius because of their dumb holiday. Your favorite band is even worse—Limp Bizkit. Oh does that make you mad? Should I follow the orders of your favorite lyricist and give you “something to break?” I think that on top of poor taste, you, good Pisces, have an anger management problem. Would you like to break my flipping face tonight? Of course you do, and it’s adorable. You think your anger makes you strong but it doesn’t. We’re all laughing at you. Your Horrorscope holiday is Impotent Rage Day.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) During the American Civil War, there was an unwritten honor code that forbade soldiers on either side from firing upon anyone who was pooping. So what did they do? Just stand there and watch a guy poop so he could pop off a shot as soon as Jethro finished wiping? Would it have been acceptable to evade an ambush by suddenly shitting yourself? Did soldiers on opposing sides ever find themselves in a poop-off? For example, imagine enemy soldiers started pooping in close vicinity and then discovered each other (probably by hearing poop noises)—Would they be forced into a battle of attrition, since whoever finished first could then be shot by the man who was still pooping (the honor code doesn’t seem to forbid shooting while pooping)? Your Horrorscope holiday is Ask Questions About Pooping in the Civil War Day.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) My, you’re a pretty one aren’t you? You like spending time in front of the mirror, yeah? And who could blame you. Clear, supple skin. Great bone structure. Fantastic body proportions. Your mind is also sharp and clever. You’re an excellent example of your species. Pretty much perfect in every way. Just keep telling yourself that. Your Horrorscope holiday is Narcissist Appreciation Day.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You hate cilantro. About 10% of the population have a genetic variant that makes cilantro taste like soap instead of sweet, delicious cilantro. You’re one of the unlucky 10%. In honor of you, I should make this Genetic Variant Awareness Day, or Cilantro Hating Day. But I don’t like you so your Horrorscope holiday is Cilantro is the Goddam Best Tasting Thing Ever Day.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You’ve done a terrible thing. Last Thursday. You remember. There was an elevator full of church ladies. You were there. You had the remnants of last night’s beef-and-broccoli stewing in your undercarriage. And that’s when you did it. You committed that unspeakable act. You blew forth sulfuric clouds of death from your nether regions, leaving those poor church ladies trapped in that little metal room with your gaseous chemical weapon. As if they weren’t already scared enough of Hell. Your Horrorscope holiday is International Fart on Church Ladies Day.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) The average human loses around 200 head hairs per day, but you’re closer to 700. Seriously, you practically leave a trail of hair everywhere you go. And somehow all this shedding never seems to leave a bald patch. You must be half sasquatch. On behalf of all the rest of us who don’t have perfect heads of thick hair riding gorgeously low hairlines, I’d just like to give you a big middle finger. Your Horrorscope holiday is Slap Someone Who Isn’t Balding Day.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) You were born in the year of the yellow-belly-marmot during eighth lunar cycle of Jupiter’s third moon. Your aura is greyish-green like newly-budded sagebrush leaves. You trust your intuition over textbooks. You know that vaccines cause autism and fluoride is a mind control agent. The sun goes down when the underpants gnomes pull the curtain cord and the earth is being held aloft by an incontinent insurance salesman. In other words you’re a gullible lunatic. Your Horrorscope holiday is Woo Woo Day.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Researchers have demonstrated that termites eat twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music. This result begs a lot of questions. Does heavy metal affect my eating speed? What if I listen to smooth jazz? What if termites listen to polka? What if zombies listen to heavy metal? Do all dogs go to heaven? Where do the streaks in your underwear come from? Will you loan me five dollars? Is anyone still reading this? If so, your Horrorscope holiday is Ask Someone to Give You a Wedgie if You’re the Kind of Person Who Asks a Lot of Pointless Questions Day.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) You’re an animal baby! More specifically, you’re sort of like a female ferret. Some interesting facts about female ferrets: 1) They smell terrible; and 2) When they go into heat they can die if they don’t mate. I know you can relate to both of those things. You’ll go weeks without showering and often feel like you’re going to drop dead if you don’t get laid right now. Feel free to ignore this advice, but it would probably be easier to score while you’re not doing one of those no-shower streaks. Your Horrorscope holiday is Save A Weird Ferret-Person’s Life By Banging Him/Her Day.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Few people realize that slamming your face into a brick wall burns about 150 calories per hour. That explains why you’re so skinny and ugly. Your Horrorscope holiday is Find a Less Ridiculous Way to Get Fit Day.