The truth is out there! Have you ever been watching the nighttime skies and seen something peculiar? A flying saucer or UFO perhaps? One of the great things about being an astrologer is that you develop an intimate understanding of the universe and all of its denizens. You didn’t think we were alone out there did you? If so you’re a real nincompoop. There are thousands of extraterrestrial races and several of them are fond of probing Earthlings’ butts. To commemorate Extraterrestrial Abductions Day (March 20) and prepare you for a close encounter of the #2 kind, here’s a list of the alien that’s mostly likely to probe each of your orifices.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) E.T. was a nice friendly alien who needed help from a kind little boy to help him get back home. The film was the highlight of Drew Barrymore’s career [she was seven years old]. E.T. used a magic glowing finger to heal his friends’ injuries. Unfortunately in your case, that foot-headed bastard has other plans for that finger. Those plans involve your butt. E.T. thinks your colon is a rotary dial when he phone’s home.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You might remember to movie Alien, where the face-hugging alien deposited an embryo in John Hurt’s chest? He woke up feeling fine, but then the damn thing burst out of his chest in the middle of dinner one night. Everyone screamed and the slimy little shit ran off. It grew up to be one of the most iconic aliens in Hollywood history, with its extra internal jaws and acid blood. Now imagine how weird the whole franchise would be if the face-huggers turned into butt-huggers, planting chest-blasting aliens up in that trunk. That’s what they want to do to you.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) The Klingons were a violent nasty race in the Star Trek universe. They were a brutal, ruthless, warmongering society built on rigid martial traditions and totalitarianism. In the early days they were often seen as a metaphor for Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia. Later in the series they sort of became allies. Who can keep track of this shit? Who cares. Klingons were an aggressive military power that you wouldn’t want to mess with. Lucky for you they’re only interested in probing your butt.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) H.G. Wells informed us that Martians are bulbous brown tentacle monsters who walk around in tripods. Scientists tell us that Mars isn’t a particularly hospitable place to live, and that there is no apparent sign of civilization or even life. That’s how astrologers know that scientists are dumb liars. Martians are very real and they love human butts. Unfortunately human butts are full of bacteria that kill Martians. For the sake of the Martians who want to kill themselves by probingyou, please try to protect that ass.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Predator was a great film starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and a 7-foot monster alien with a weird mouth. It had an advanced weapon and defense system including an invisibility/cloaking device. These Predator aliens are intergalactic trophy hunters who especially enjoy the challenge of hunting humans. It totally wants to hang your butt on its mantle.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) All my nerdy friends love Dr. Who, but it’s not a good show. It’s simple and childish. Take one of the main baddies—the Daleks. They’re some kind of mutants who roll around in garbage cans yelling “Exterminate! Exterminate!” The real life Daleks aren’t nearly as simple-minded. On the show they want to purge the universe of all non-Dalek life. In reality they just want to put stuff in your butt. While Daleks are real, I’m afraid Time Lords aren’t, so do be careful with that booty.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) A few years back there was a terrible movie called Avatar that made a zillion dollars by being totally lame and predictable and barely disguised as a re-make of Fern Gulley. There were a bunch of blue-assed cat-monkeys called Na’vi in the film. Some weirdo got into an interspecies sex scandal with one of their females. It was gross but you all payed $10 to see it in the theater. Normally the law frowns upon interspecies sex acts but nobody has arrested the film makers yet. Anyway, the real Na’vi didn’t appreciate being depicted that way. They’re coming for your butt.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Ewoks are cute cuddly teddy bear monsters from the Star Wars universe. They live in primitive treehouses on a moon called Endor. They’re basically a Stone Age cuture, but George Lucas thought it would be a good idea to make them able to defeat a highly advanced post-space age army. Makes complete sense, George. The only thing Lucas left out was the fact that ewoks like using their pointy sticks as butt probes.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) In 1958 we were introduced to a classic horror film called The Blob. In the film, an amoeba-like creature crashed to earth on a meteor. It began eating every living thing it could find, and each meal caused it to grow. Eventually it got so big it was going to eat whole cities, but we thwarted the blob by freezing it and shipping it to Antarctica. That seemed like a good idea in 1958, back before anyone knew anything about global warming and climate change. Expect it to be thawed out and heading for your butt by the end of the week.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Some of Dan Akroyd’s most famous characters were the Coneheads, but few people know that the Coneheads were based on a true story about pointy-headed aliens. They’re known for being really bad at concealing themselves as they try to live amongst humans. They came to earth for several reasons—to study, catalog, and evaluate the human species. They’re monitoring our progress in technology, science, philosophy an ethics. But mostly they just came to put weird alien gear in your butt.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Have you ever suspected that your friends have secretly been kidnapped and replaced with emotionless drone-like pod people? That sounds like the ravings of a paranoid lunatic, but as an astrologist I can verify that it’s 100% true. It’s just like the film Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Alien plant spores fell to earth and grew into sociopathic pod people. Some of them are your neighbors. Some of them are your family. Some of them write Horrorscopes. Most of them just want to stick you with alien anal probes.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) There used to be a cute prime time sitcom called Alf, about a hilarious trash-talking alien from planet Melmac. Unfortunately the show portrayed Alf as friendly and lovable. In real life, creature from Melmac are monsters. The TV show did reveal that Alf wanted to eat cats but thankfully never showed the gruesome reality of intergalactic cat butchering. The real reason Alf wanted to eat cats is that cats are also an advanced alien race who came to Earth to protect us from other aliens’ butt probes. The dicks from Melmac want to get all up in that butt. Get a cat or else.