June 8 is Name Your Poison Day. I know what you’re thinking: “Great, I’ll name my poison David Hasselhoff and together we’ll rule Germany with our hairy pecs!” No. You don’t get to rule Germany like Hasselhoff, and that’s not what “name your poison” even means. “Name your poison” is a metaphor. You might have heard the phrase when ordering a drink. It means it’s time for you to make a choice. As a courtesy I’ve looked at your star charts and predicted the next set of circumstances you’ll face that will necessitate a hard decision being made. I’ve provided you with the situation, your options, and the choice I’m 99% sure you’ll make.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) You had a really greasy spicy lunch and now your guts are twisted in knots. A mist of sweat is forming on your brow as your intestinal pressure builds. You feel like you’d give anything for some relief when you suddenly realize that something is pushing for escape. Unfortunately you can’t be sure if it’s a solid, liquid, or gas. Time to name your poison. Do you A) Let loose and hope for the best; B) Allow the fear of shitting your pants to hold you back; or C) Just poop yourself, consequences be damned? Spoiler alert: You’ll opt for option B, but you’ll end up crapping yourself anyway when you sneeze.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) The boss splurged and bought a few pizzas for everyone in the office. High five! Unfortunately the boss underestimated the amount of free pizza that a minimum wage worker can consume in a single sitting. You’re about to grab the last piece when you notice your crush is eyeing it, longingly. Time to pick your poison. Do you A) Grab the last slice, flip off your crush, and make him watch you eat it; B) Do the chivalrous thing and hold back the mobs while your crush nabs the slice; or C) Distract everyone by telling them that Chuck in accounting is currently in the supply closet with Janet from sales? Spoiler alert: You’ll attempt B but fail miserably, and your crush will realize what a loser you are.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) You’re walking down the sidewalk when you notice a banana peel on the other side of the street. You also notice an old lady who is walking straight toward that banana peel. It’s time to name your poison. Do you A) Keep your goddam mouth shut and enjoy the show; B) Pull out your phone and attempt to film what’s about to happen; or C) Both A and B? Spoiler alert: You choose C because you’re a terrible person. However, you will feel a great deal of self-satisfaction when the old broad faceplants, are your ensuing Youtube popularity will cause thousands of other assholes to see you as their leader.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) You’re driving down the freeway when you see a car in the left lane traveling five miles per hour slower than the speed limit. Time to name your poison. Do you A) Assume that person is from Idaho Falls and flip them off; B) Assume that person is from Pocatello and moon them; or C) Assume that person is from Utah and follow them to the nearest truck stop so you can defecate under their hood while they pay the attendant? Spoiler alert: Do I really need to say it? Let’s just say you’ll do the right thing.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You just jumped in the pool after drinking several cups of coffee. You’re having a great time and don’t want to get out. The longer you swim, the more you can feel your bladder filling up. Time to pick your poison. Do you A) Get out of the pool and go piss in the restroom like a goddam adult; B) Piss yourself in the water and continue to swim in it like some kind of disgusting animal; or C) Do the civilized thing and pee right before exiting the water so you don’t swim in your own piss (but everyone else does)? Spoiler alert: We all know you’ll choose C. You’ll probably drop a deuce as well, because that’s how you roll.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You’re cruising around town with half a sandwich in your backpack. You already ate the other half and you’re feeling quite full. Just then you notice the Westboro Baptist Church congregation begging for food. Time to name your poison. Do you A) Throw your sandwich in a river; B) Throw your sandwich away in your kitchen garbage receptacle; or C) Flush your sandwich down the toilet. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t matter which you choose. Screw those homophobic hateful bastards.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Your Mom calls and gives you bad news. She says you need a haircut. Time to name your poison. Do you A) Ignore her; B) Give yourself a mullet just to teach her to mind her own business; or C) Spend $70 at the Salon getting a very attractive, stylish, and classy makeover? Spoiler alert: It won’t matter because haircuts can only do so much to cure ugly.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You’re at the supermarket waiting to check out when you notice an elderly man behind you in line. You notice that he only has a few items in his hand basket, whereas you have a huge basket full of groceries. Time to name your poison. Do you A) Invite him to cut in line ahead of you; B) Make fun of his plaid pants; or C) Ask him if he has any attractive grandchildren before committing to A or B? Spoiler alert: The old man doesn’t give a shit what you do. Go about your business. He’s old, not helpless or stupid.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) You’re at the ocean, enjoying a nice vacation away from the mountains of Idaho, when you hear a child screaming. You run toward the ruckus and discover that a child has been stung by a jellyfish and is in excruciating pain. Time to name your poison. Do you A) Pee on the kid to ease his/her suffering; B) Selfishly keep all your pee to yourself; or C) Refuse to pee because you just don’t pee on children as a general rule? Spoiler alert: Peeing on a jellyfish sting doesn’t actually help at all. It’s weird that you fantasize about ways to get away with peeing on children.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You’re a star on a reality show about a couple who spawned 19 children. After molesting a bunch of your sisters, you decide to go tell America that homosexuals are perverts. Time to name your poison. Do you A) Bash your own face into a brick wall for being an incestuous raping piece of shit; B) Perform a vasectomy on yourself with a rusty chainsaw because you’re an incestuous raping piece of shit; or C) Set yourself on fire and throw yourself down a long flight of steep stairs because you’re an incestuous raping piece of shit? Spoiler alert: No one cares. You’re canceled. Go fade away you hypocritical deviant.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) You’re reading the Horrorscopes one day when a stranger notices. The stranger approaches you and indicates that he believes astrology is a bunch of bullshit. Time to name your poison. Do you A) Roundhouse kick to the face followed by palm strikes and a groin stomp; B) Rear-naked-choke followed by kick to the groin and eye gouging; or C) Ignore them, walk away, and enjoy the Horrorscopes in more pleasant company. Spoiler alert: Jesus, this is a humor column. Calm down with the violent fantasies. You’re making this weird for all of us.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Your Capricorn friend just sneezed and shit her pants. She looks at you like a deer in the headlights. She doesn’t know what to do—She needs you to save her. Time to name your poison. Do you A) Rush her to your car and drive her home; B) Laugh and point and do your best to attract everyone’s attention to the brown stains in the back of her pants; or C) Crap your own pants in a selfless act of solidarity. Spoiler alert: You’ll choose B, but you’ll laugh so hard you’ll end up shitting your own pants too.