If you’re like me you’re shocked and appalled by the recent SCOTUS decision regarding gay marriage. Is gay marriage a violation of your religious beliefs? Me too. I believe that astrology allows me to predict the future; I didn’t predict this SCOTUS ruling; therefore it’s a violation of my beliefs. Apart from that, I think marriage for everyone is a no-brainer, and preventing any two unrelated consenting adults from entering into the legal contract of matrimony is a civil rights violation. Maybe that’s because I have the advantage of being more in-touch with my LGBT Spirit Guide than most people. You probably didn’t even know you had one. It’s true–At birth you were assigned a specific LGBT Spirit Guide based on your zodiac sign. In commemoration of a noteworthy Gay Pride Month I’ve pulled up your star charts to find out which LGBT Spirit Guide is lurking in your closet.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) You’re one of those assholes who stereotypes LGBT folks as limp-wristed sissies. It’s particularly obnoxious considering that your own LGBT Spirit Guide was arguably the greatest military mastermind in history. Alexander the Great was undefeated in battle. He created one of the world’s greatest empires after defeating the Persians. That’s something your bro Leonidas from the movie “300” never even dreamed of doing. (By the way, Leonidas was bisexual, too, bro.) In the next few days your boy Alex T.G. is going to hold you down and make you name 10 candy bars while he beats you with your own fists.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) The reality of life as an LGBT youth is often dark and violent. That was the case for Brandon Teena, a young transgender man who was savagely raped and murdered after peers discovered that he was biologically female. His story was made into a film, “Boys Don’t Cry,” which helped raise awareness of these issues and provided momentum to the lobby in support of hate crime laws. Teena’s death was awful and tragic and the people responsible were disgusting monsters. In death, Teena is a hero. His story continues to help change the world in positive ways for others who find themselves in his shoes.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Your LGBT Spirit Guide was the first openly gay woman to play an openly gay character on network television. That takes balls… Metaphorically speaking. Although I think it’s time for us to admit that those kinds of sexist metaphors are outdated. Your LGBT Spirit Guide is Ellen DeGeneres, host of the predictably named “The Ellen DeGeneres Show.” She’s a decent comedian. She also does some serious stuff, like when the Secretary of State named her a special envoy for global AIDS awareness. Mostly it seems like she just wants to dance. That must be where you get it from.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) You don’t really deserve your LGBT Spirit Guide, Alan Turing, because he’s way too badass for you. Widely considered the “father of theoretical computer science” for his work on early computer systems. He also helped Great Britain crack Nazi codes during WWII. The guy is a goddam legend, and what did he get for his massive contributions? Chemical castration. He happened to live in a place and time where homosexuality was a crime. Eventually he died of cyanide poisoning in an apparent suicide. In the next few weeks he’s going to help you gain perspective on your privilege of not being afraid of having your goddam balls shriveled up by chemicals just for having a loving consensual relationship with the wrong person.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Leonardo da Vinci was possibly the most talented human being who ever lived. He was THE renaissance scientist, inventor, artist, astronomer, and writer. And he was totes gay. Most people don’t know that because our history has been “gaywashed.” Our LGBT heroes have been largely portrayed in textbooks as heteronormative and cisgendered. It’s pretty well documented, however, that Leonardo had sexual relationships with some of his male pupils. He even faced official sodomy charges at one point. But being non-hetero wasn’t a huge considered a particularly bad thing in his time and the charges went away. Leo DV is going to appear in your dreams with his new invention that helps homophobes get over the fact that a lot of LGBT folks are brilliant.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your LGBT Spirit Guide is Margaret Mead. Mead was a cultural anthropologist whose work in human sexuality helped fuel the 60’s sexual revolution. So things like gay marriage, feminism, women’s reproductive rights, and doin’ it doggie style can all be traced back to her to some extent. Ok, maybe not doggie style—I’m not sure but I wouldn’t doubt it. She helped us understand that it was normal, healthy, and OK for human sexuality to be expressed in a variety of ways besides just missionary position between a man and woman. She also advocated against anti-gay discrimination in scientific and research organizations. Mead never publicly acknowledged her orientation, but letters shared with a “friend” show that it was clearly a romantic relationship. She’s going to appear to you in a vision so you can thank her for the fact that you don’t have 18 unwanted children.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) “Taxi Driver” and “Silence of the Lambs” are both outstanding movies, and they both feature your LGBT Spirit Guide: Jodie Foster. Her film roles are generally pretty hetero cisgendered and many people don’t realize that she isn’t that way in her real life. She hasn’t publicly stated her orientation but she is married to one of Ellen DeGeneres’s ex-girlfriends. A lot of people also don’t know that she inspired John Hinckley Jr to try to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981. Foster had nothing to do with it—He was just an obsessive fan who claimed afterwards that he had done it for her. She really doesn’t like talking about it. Seriously, she’ll walk out on your interview if you even ask.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Sir Elton John is your LGBT Spirit Guide. He’s sold more than 300 million records, which makes him the 5th best-selling musical act of all time. He’s a champion of gay rights and gay marriage. He and his charities have raised hundreds of millions of dollars toward AIDS education and prevention. He’s mentioned that he thinks Jesus was gay, and separately that he thinks Jesus would support gay marriage. That’s pretty bold, and such behavior grants him the right to wear as many pairs of silly sunglasses as he damn well pleases. Tomorrow you’ll see him in cloud formations over the mountains and hear Lion King soundtrack lyrics in your head.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) There are few male dominated institutions that are less LGBT-friendly than the sport of football. If it makes you tough to play a sport where 300 lbs+ athletes try to smash you into a pulp and rip your lungs out, imagine playing that sport as an openly gay man. That’s where we discovered your LGBT Spirit Guide, Michael Sam. He’s currently a professional in the Canadian Football League where he smashes people for fun. His openness about his sexual orientation has opened doors for untold numbers of kids who have traditionally felt unwelcome and intimidated from participating in these kinds of team sports. If you can’t appreciate this fact the Sam will crush you in your dreams tonight.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) The NY Times called him “the most prominent openly gay journalist on American television.” You’ll call him your LGBT Spirit Guide. I call him silver-haired, silver-tongued Anderson Cooper. He’s won top honors in the field of journalism including the Peabody and Emmy. Cooper framed his “coming-out” by saying that not being open about his sexuality might imply there was something to hide or be ashamed of. Obviously that’s not the case. He went on to say “The fact is, I’m gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.” We’re proud of you, too, Coop.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Chelsea Manning is a former US intelligence operative for the US Army. Under the first name Bradley, she leaked roughly 750k documents to WikiLeaks that ranged from “classified” to “unclassified but sensitive.” She was sentenced to 35 years in prison for her trouble. After sentencing, Manning came out as transgender. Public opinion varies wildly on Chelsea’s actions. Some view her as a traitor, some as a hero. Either way, she’s your LGBT Spirit Guide, and she’ll soon share her secrets with you.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Neil Patrick Harris is a super cool LGBT Spirit Guide. Of all the gay guys in the world, he’s probably the one that most frat guys approve of. That’s sort of tongue-in-cheek, but let’s give credit where it’s due. Less than a generation ago there were zero openly gay guys who would have been widely approved of in frat boy circles. Never discount the baby steps of progress. “Doogie Howser, M.D.,” was a show that inspired me to be interested in science and learning as a kid. Luckily I was able to abandon science and rationality for a career in astrology. Thanks for nothing, Neil.