A few weeks ago I wrote about how my potato-headed cousin and I conducted a series of experiments to prove that scientists are dumb liars. My cousin wasn’t happy with it. He felt that I didn’t treat his condition with an appropriate level of consideration. I told him that he doesn’t really have a potato for a head, that it’s all in his mind, and that he should stop acting like a dumb potato head. He stomped the ground and pouted and then he bit me on the arm. He’s got jaws like a pit bull (which seems to be more evidence that his head is not actually a potato). He refused to let go until I promised to let him write the Horrorscopes this week. Apologies in advance—His English composition skills aren’t as highly refined as the high caliber of literature you’re accustomed to reading in this column.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) My couzin is a dick. My head is a potayto. It is verry heavy. Sometimes I carry it in wheelbarrow. Then Mama say “Potayto-Head! Stop drooling in the wheelbarrow!” And I cry. Sometimes my couzin laugh when I cry. So I bite him like bef jerky. He taste salty lik bef jerky. But Capricorn have good day. You see five of kitty cats. Meow meow meow me ow meow.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) On my birthday I got five of balloons. They hav long strings. I get tangled. Wind blow and I fly away. Mama say Stop stop. Damn Potato Head fly good. My friends try catch me but I very high. My couzin throw many coconuts to my head. I say ouch ouch but he keep throws. Next week my head too heavy for balloon I fall down. Many bruise. Aquarius have good day. You get five of balloons.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) I drink waters in my cup but one day a man puts many coffees in my cup. I drink. Wowowow! I run so fast I run I run! Mama say “Who gave that damn Potato-Head caffeine?!” I can’t stop so I chop 100 trees with potayto hands. Karaty! Hiya! Tree falls down on car BOOM BOOM! Man tells Mama that we can’t come to coffee house any more. Pisces have a good day drink five of coffee.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) I can’t be dinosaur for helloween my head too big for t-rex mask. I crying crying. One day t-rex have potayto for head and he become my friend. I ride him to skool. Him name Steven. Steven love potayto head. I love Steven. Steven heads fall off to make franc fries. I dip him in ketchup yum yum. Mama say “Why are you dousing the cat’s head in ketchup? What is your deal lately?” Mama so funny. Aries have a good day. You eat five of franc fries.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) I don’t like a toilet. Him makes a scary noises. I run away run run. When I make a boom boom I hide in closet but Mama say “My god! Stop shitting in your closet! You’re taking this ‘Potato Head’ fantasy too far. You don’t actually have to act out the things you write about in that dumb column. Clean it up! Christ! You’re 35 years old and you’re shitting in your own closet. What is wrong with you?” Why Mama so mangry? I have bad day but Taurus have a good day. You make five of boom booms in your closet.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) One time Mama say Potayto-Head! You smell like wet doge! So I lock in back yard in mud. Then I hear ice cream truck. I say woop woop. I run. I knok down fence. Ice cream man haz scared. He drive fast. I run faster. I catch him I say woop woop to him. He crying while I eat ice creams. Gemini have good day. You eat five of ice creams.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Duck say quak quak. Cow say moo muu. Pigg say onk onk. Potayto-Head say woop woop. Animal my frend. He come to me say hi and I can pet him and ride on him back to go to store. We buy all the candy and we go watch cartooons. I love yu aminal. Why you bite my head? Mama say “Stop trying to put a damn horse saddle on that cat. Do you seriously get paid for writing this bullshit?” Silly Mama! My pay is aminal hugz. Cancer have a good day. Eat five of candy with aminal.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Bugs always crawling on my head. Five of flies is always circling my head. Why bugs on potayto heads? Bugs eat grass, sticks, spices, chokolates, squirrels. Not potayto heads. Hey! You bugs! Go away! I don’t like! You! But bugs stay. Mama say “What the hell? Why are you bringing insects in the house? Oh my hell, are you doing the ‘Potato-Head’ thing again?” Fresh Prince say parents just don’t understand. Leo have a good day. Five of bugs go away.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) When I swimming I am nekkid. I verry wet and cold. I hear voice. “Help! I pretty lady and I drownded!” I run swim fast fast. I turn corner. Is not a lady. It is my cousin, he say “Ha. Ha. Look at potayto-head tiny dingus.” I bite my cousin. He shut up. Mama say “You’re going to get arrested if you keep trying to take your pants off in that fountain.” Virgo have a good day. See five of tiny dingus.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) I make a dinner for Mama. She so happy. I cooking gasoline. Mama say “What’s that smell? Oh my god! What did you do?!” But to late. Houze on fires. Fire truck come I say yayayayay! I want to be firmans when I big potayto. Firman say my head is too big for firman hat. My brain baked like potayto. Oh well. I still make fire without hat. Libra have a good day. See five of firmans.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) I listens to musiks I like Vanilla Ice. Ice vanilla vanilla baby. I make many dance move with Milli Vanilli. One day I will be sexy sing man for Milli Vanilli Ice. A lady will come to me to throw many large panties on my big head. I laugh because I don’t ware panties. Is a waste of big panties. I give them to Mama for birthday Mama say “It is not appropriate to buy lingerie for your mother and it’s definitely not appropriate to buy lingerie for your mother when it’s 12 sizes too big.” She so happy. Scorpio have a good day. See five of big panties.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) I have potayto head. I like a play pretend. Mama say “Potayto-Head! Are you talking to your imaginary cousin again? You know you don’t have any cousins! Go find some real friends!” Sometime I pretend I have smart couzin who writ Horrorscopes. But I have no cousin. I just pretend. Potayto-Head write all Horrorscope ever day. Sometime people read. They have a confuse. Sagittarius have good day. You write five of Horrorscopes.