Do you ever wonder if, like, life is just one big computer simulation? Maybe we’re all just computer programs in some holographic simulation or something. And if we feel creeped out by that thought, just imagine how our favorite video game characters feel. The thing about video game characters is that they die a lot. This means that they cycle through souls pretty quickly. In fact, it’s highly likely that you were a classic video game character in a previous life. Since July 8th is Video Games Day I’ll look to the stars to tell you which pixelated protagonist’s GAME OVER led to your soul’s current incarnation as a person smart enough to recognize that astrology columns are a better time investment than science books.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Your pixelated past life name is Lara Croft. Known in the early days for her bulbously blocky, hyper-exaggerated, physics-defying boobs, Lara Croft raided the tombs of our hearts. Luckily our hearts aren’t buried under gigantic polygonal mounds of blocky breast-flesh like Lara’s are. Despite her absurd proportions, Lara is a fighter and a hero and an excuse to make a film with Angelina Jolie in a skin-tight catsuit. That might also explain your obsession with inappropriately tight clothing.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Your pixelated past life name is Link. Link is this weird little elf dude who inexplicably wears an old-timey sleeping cap like Ebenezer Scrooge. He has a sword and shield and bombs and stuff. Usually he’s trying to rescue some princess or some shiny triangles. He does shitty things like walking into peoples’ houses and smashing all their pots. I’m not sure what his deal is, but I’ve had his theme song stuck in my head since 1986. Don’t act like you don’t remember it. Speaking of music, Link is often associated with various woodwind instruments, so maybe you should try to be more of a flutist and less of a flatulist. Or combine the two skills.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Your pixelated past life name is Sonic the Hedgehog. This little blue shit can run fast as balls. But why? What is he running from? He’s obviously a deeply troubled rodent and all his ring stealing is merely a cry for help. Scratch that—apparently hedgehogs are not rodents. They’re Erinaceomorphs. And apparently they can’t carry hundreds of golden rings. But they can roll up into a ball, and they can float on their backs when they are rolled into a ball. This makes them the cutest little boats ever. What has this got to do with you? No one knows or cares.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Your pixelated past life name is Master Chief. Sometimes in art, a protagonist’s backstory and personality aren’t very detailed. This allows the dumb audience to project their own emotions and motivations and personalities onto the character like a blank canvas. These asshole movie/game directors and tricking you into finding characters more relatable because you fill in the blanks with your own life story. Master Chief has some great qualities, be he definitely falls into this category. And that’s why he’s a perfect video game analogue for you: Stiff, devoid of personality, and only capable of getting the job done if someone else is holding the controller.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Your pixelated past life name is Mario. Once upon a time there was a short squatty plumber who could jump really, really high. He wore overalls and experimented with a lot of fungi. He went around stomping on these turtles for some reason. He kept running into old castles looking for princesses, but all he ever found was dudes with giant mushroom heads. Mario had a brother named Luigi who was also a plumber and also liked stomping on turtles. The two of them did things like throw fireballs, strap raccoon tails to their asses, and smash bricks with their head. You know, normal brother stuff. Anyway, this is probably why you’re so into mushrooms.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your pixelated past life name is Meat Boy. The cool thing about the Super Meat Boy franchise is that it was developed by an indie coder and designer who were basically working from their own basements. What a great success story. Meat Boy himself is a chunk of meat who zips around getting ripped up, smashed, cut up, and so forth. It’s extremely challenging and most normal people throw bricks through their TV after playing it for more than 30 seconds. Meat Boy had such a strong effect on the development of your soul that you remain, to this very day, an ugly chunk of meat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Your pixelated past life name is Samus Aran. If you’re old and nerdy enough to remember the original Metroid game, you’ll remember the Shyamalan-esque twist when you finish the game. Samus’s helmet is removed, revealing *gasp* that Samus is a lady! Imagine that, a lady running around being a badass. In retrospect, how stupid were we in those days? How dumb do you have to be in order to find female badass-ness shocking? Why was that more shocking than the fact that throughout most of the game you could inexplicably turn yourself into a self-propelled bomb-dropping rubber playground ball? By the way, you’ve inherited the ability to inexplicably turn yourself into a self-propelled bomb-dropping rubber playground ball. You’re just not trying hard enough.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Your pixelated past life name is Frogger. That’s terrible news for you. Frogger was a mess. He kept getting squished by cars. Why the hell was he crossing the road in the first place? Was there really nowhere he could cross that had less traffic or, hm, I don’t know, maybe a crosswalk? “But frogs don’t use crosswalks,” you say. Yeah, ok, but frogs also don’t die when they try to jump on a lily pad and fall in the water instead. That’s exactly what Frogger did. Why don’t you explain that one since you’re such an expert on frog behavior?
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Your pixelated past life name is Pikachu. Pokemon is a great game but a really terrible concept. What could be more cruel than going around enslaving friendly intelligent creatures in tiny orbs, and then forcing them to fight other creatures? Do you also support dog fighting? You sick son of a bitch. Anyway, Pikachu was pretty adorable and he shot lightning out of his butt or something. Or at least he did before his asshole “trainers” forced him to fight other creatures to the death.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Your pixelated past life name is Q*bert. Yeah, you were an armless, mouthless orange freak who hopped around a pyramid shooting boogers out of your creepy nose-hole. When Q*bert dies he unleashes a torrent of profanity so vulgar and disturbing that the game designers had to replace the actual monologue with a series of symbols and punctuation, like “@!#?@!” The swearing was so endemic that the game was even called “@!#?@!” at one stage in development. So that’s why you have a mouth like a sailor and shoot mucous and strangers.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Your pixelated past life name is Mega Man. Some robots want to murder Sarah Connor and eradicate humanity. Others dress in blue spandex and fight evil robots. Mega Man is the latter. He’s got a plasma cannon for an arm, and that’s great for battling Dr. Wily. But it’s horrible for a lot of other things, such as scratching your ass, high-fiving your friends, buttering toast, and petting your cat. Baseball is out of the question, as is rock climbing, tennis, long haul truck driving, and don’t even think about trying to get through security at the airport. Anyway, watch out for killer robots and look into adding more blue spandex to your wardrobe.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Your pixelated past life name is Sephiroth. If you don’t know who Sephiroth is then you should probably just go live under a rock somewhere. He’s the ultimate villain from Final Fantasy VII. He’s a perfect example of a vicious sadistic psychopath with terrific hair. He also demonstrates some disturbing mommy issues, especially troubling since his mom is a chunk of meat that vaguely resembles a humanoid torso. In other words, he’s practically indistinguishable from how you are now.