Today is a little-known holiday called All or Nothing Day. When I first heard about this holiday I thought “Great! I choose nothing!” And then I took a nap. But apparently the phrase “all or nothing” isn’t actually meant to give you the option of doing nothing. It’s supposed to motivate you to do your best all the time, to give 110%, to put maximum effort into whatever you’re doing. Frankly we find that sentiment offensive down here in the secret underground Horrorscope laboratory. It runs counter to our natural inclination to half-ass everything we do. We’re tired of the lazy-shaming. We were going to plan a big protest against this discriminatory holiday but that sounded like way too much work. It seemed easier to just make up some half-assed horoscope entries and pretend like they have something to do with planetary alignments and the cosmos and whatnot. Astrology makes hard work completely moot. Check this out: If astrology is real (spoiler alert: it totally is) then your future is already written in the stars. If your future is pre-determined then it’s going to play out a certain way no matter how much effort you put into things. So what’s the point of busting your ass when you can just coast? Checkmate scientists, you hard working idiots.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Watch out for raccoons. Or don’t. I don’t care. Raccoons are going to bite you today. It’s your choice if you feel like watching out for them or not. Not that it matters. Your ass is going to be bitten either way. It’s not like you can prevent it by being all vigilant. That toothy rabies-ridden maw is going to be all up in that ass one way or another. Well, maybe not. I guess it depends on how lazy the raccoon is. Maybe he’ll just chill at home today. When everyone is lazy nobody gets rabies from being bit in the ass. That’s a scientific fact.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You’re going to be driving down a busy street. You’ll stop at a red light. A panhandler will approach you. It’s Bigfoot. Bigfoot will start wiping down your windshield with a dirty rag. It’s going to make a huge mess. You won’t be able to do anything but sit there impatiently and wait for the light to turn green. Incredibly, after making a mess of your car, Bigfoot is going to demand to be paid for his services. At first you’re going to refuse. Bigfoot is going to start yelling incoherently about chemtrails and the illuminati. Everyone is going to stare. You’re going to feel very self-conscious. But Bigfoot won’t. This is the life he’s chosen. Just pay him and move on.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) You’re going to have dreams about squash. Not just any squash—I’m talking about spaghetti squash. Spaghetti squash is a magical fruit that grows in places where a unicorn dropped a deuce. When you cut it open it looks like pasta. When you eat it you get the worst of both pasta and garden produce: wet limp noodles and disgusting squash taste. And that is why you’ll classify your dreams as nightmares.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Did you know there aren’t any left-handed monkeys? You can believe it because you read it in a horoscope column. Why would a horoscope writer lie? It’s not like we astrologers have anything to gain by lying. I mean anything besides money, because sure, we get paid a lot of money. A whole stinking bunch of money. I have like five Ferraris and two jet skis. So yeah, no left-handed monkeys. Also, you’ll die if you don’t read this column every week. Why would I lie about that?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Did your dad tell you about the birds and the bees? When a man loves a woman very much, sometimes he takes his shirt off and he jiggles his man-boobs. The lady responds by tooting the traditional courting horn. Then the man tells his sweetheart the traditional courtship words: “Belly button lint.” These words cause a physiological change in the woman, who begins to salivate and grow hair all over her back. Then the man gently carries the woman to his broom closet, where he locks himself inside. The woman gets bored and goes home. And that’s where babies come from.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Like most people who subscribe to astrology, you correctly assume that science is dumb and wrong. Obviously science and astrology can’t both be correct. Science makes it pretty clear that there is no way the other planets and stars can have any effect on your life, or that being born in a certain month makes you likely to share a lot of traits with others born in that same month. So congratulations on rejecting science and all its lies by believing in astrology. Also, special congratulations to those of you who un-ironically use advanced technology like computers and the internet to read your horoscopes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) I predict you’ll soon find yourself in a boat. You won’t have a great time. I’m not saying you’ll have a bad time. It’ll just be sort of “meh.” I mean it won’t be as fun as you hope it will be. You’ll be thinking “Great, I’m in a boat. Now what?” And you’ll just sort of sit there… Floating. And then you’ll think about Carl, and how he told you that boating was really fun. “Thanks Carl,” you’ll say to yourself sarcastically. “Thanks for getting me into this boat situation.” It won’t be all bad—You’ll enjoy some lemonade and listen to Carl’s Jimmy Buffet mix cd. But overall it’ll be a pretty unmemorable day.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You’re going to get in a swordfight with a lunch lady. It will be the culmination of an escalating conflict related to a meatloaf sandwich. The lunch lady wields a soup ladle of smiting +3 versus clam chowder. You’ll battle with your +4 vorpal long sword. The old lady will have formidable skills but eventually you’ll win. She will concede, and acquiesce to your request for extra tater tots.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Beware of beehives full of guacamole. Those bees are shady as hell. What are they doing with all that guac? Bees do not manufacture guacamole in nature so they must have stolen it. It’s a sad day when bees go bad. But why? Some scientists think it’s the neonicotinoid pesticides that cause the bees to rebel and do naughty things. Others blame their parents. But one thing is for certain: Today’s bee youth are growing up in a culture of irresponsibility and avocado-based condiments. Together we can save the bees. Just send me $5 which I will use to replace my stolen guacamole.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Sometimes when nobody is looking you like to stick your finger in your ear. You push the tip of your pinky as far into the ear canal as it can go. You like to feel the sticky consistency of the sticky tacky waxy buildup in there. You gently rock your finger side to side, scraping off as much of the gunk as you can. Then you remove your finger and all the goo you just collected. You examine it closely. You sniff it. You look left, you look right. Nobody’s watching, go ahead. You stick the stinky pinky in your mouth. You flick your tongue against the nasty glob. Mmm salty. You’re a sick bastard.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Stay away from the bus. It’s full of farts. How did the bus get filled with farts? Aliens. Aliens from Michigan broke into the bus and farted their asses off. They farted so hard that they blew off their brarfrars, which is a tail-like appendage protruding from their alien buttholes. Alien farts don’t have the same range and diversity of aromas that human farts have. All alien farts smell the same. The smell has been compared to Donald Trump’s hair. Yeah. Nasty shit. Stay away from the bus.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Do you think that maybe the whole universe is like a big hologram or a simulation, like a computer program or something? Do you think that makes you a clever deep thinker? It doesn’t. Unless you’ve got a PhD in quantum physics or something, and you can back up your dumb ideas with equations then you’re just a boring dumb jagoff like the rest of us. If you want to learn about deep thoughts and radical philosophies you need to stop watching The Matrix so much and start reading the Horrorscopes more. You’re welcome.