Monday, July 20 is Moon Day. I’m sure this is a big holiday at your house, like it is at mine. Moon Day is a pure holiday that hasn’t been corrupted by commercialization. There’s no pressure to buy things so people are free to relax and celebrate Moon Day the right way: by showing random strangers our butts. Wait, I’m getting a memo from the Horrorscopes legal department… They’re saying that you shouldn’t show strangers your butts as that might be a violation of federal or state laws, and also that you shouldn’t take legal advice from me since I am not qualified to give it. Hm. Ok, naked butts are out. I guess we’ll have to come up with a new activity for Moon Day. I got nothing. I’ll check your star charts and tell you what you should do.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Since our moon is the 5th largest moon in the solar system, you should do all your fifth favorite things. For example, eat your fifth favorite food. Watch your fifth favorite movie. Visit your fifth favorite friend. Pick your nose with your fifth favorite finger. Email every contestant from the fifth season of American Idol. Visit your fifth grade teacher and bring him/her a bouquet of your fifth favorite flowers. Read every fifth word from your fifth favorite book while wearing your fifth favorite shirt and sipping your fifth favorite drink. High five!
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) If the Earth was the size of basketball, then the moon would be about the size of a tennis ball. I wish I could play basketball with the Earth. I would spin it on my finger. Then all the people would fly off into space and I would laugh as they drifted past and waived hello at me. Then I would take that Earth basketball and I would slam dunk it through the rings of Saturn. I know what you’re thinking—“Hey, Horrorscope guy, you can’t dunk! You’re like four feet tall!” Well guess what? There’s no gravity in space so I can dunk on you all day long. What are you going to do about it? I’ll be a star in the NBA for sure and you’ll just be a dingus floating around my Earthsketball. So yeah, that’s what you should do today.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) A lot of people don’t realize that the Soviet Union landed an unmanned craft on the moon before we did, back in 1966. Three years later we sent a human called Buzz Lightyear to the moon to fight that Russian piece of shit. Thanks to Mr. Lightyear, American humans defeated Russian robots and we’ve been #1 ever since. Even our celebrities are better. Just compare a Russian celebrity like Borat to a real American celebrity, like Elton John. See? Way better. So today you should celebrate by watching Rocky IV, where that Italian guy beats up that Swedish guy to prove American supremacy over the Russians once and for all!
Aries (March 21 – April 19) The weather on the moon is very similar to the weather in southeast Idaho during the summer. It’s 253 degrees during the day and -387 at night. So when you visit the moon you should plan as if headed camping in your backyard: Make sure you bring lots of short pants during the day and plenty of hot dogs. That way if the Mooninites get hungry at the sight of your legs you can trade them wieners instead. Also, bring a really warm sleeping bag for the cold night time and a warm buddy to cuddle with. If you’re like me and you don’t have any friends you can cuddle with something else, like a mop maybe. Then later you can mop the moon because it’s full of dirt. Go camping on the moon today!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Gravity on the moon is really terrible. It’s only 17% of the gravity we have on earth. You better start bulking up in case you need to go to the moon. You don’t want to show up weighing only twenty pounds or some shit. A strong breeze might blow you away into space. So go get your hands on something sugary and bready. Maybe a little cakey. The faster you can fatten up the safer you’ll be. You’re welcome.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) There’s a lot of craters on the moon. Some say it’s from comets and asteroids hitting it. I respond by saying “I know, I’m an astrologer. I do space stuff better than you. Leave me alone, you turkey.” But I’m starting to have second thoughts. Not everything with craters has been hit by a comet or a hemorrhoid. I looked in the mirror today and came to a stunning conclusion. The reason the moon has craters is because of moon pimples. That’s science. Try reading a science book today so you know this stuff, you dingus.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Did you know that the moon is responsible for the earth’s ocean tides? Of course you didn’t, because you live in the damn Idaho desert. How are you supposed to know about moons if you don’t go to the ocean? Pack your bags and take a trip to the Bahamas. It’s for science and for moons and for mooning science.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) There’s no wind on the moon. You probably didn’t know that. I didn’t know that. It totally ruined my idea to start wind-surfing up there. What a bunch of bullshit. Next they’ll be telling me there’s no water. Whatever. Without any wind or rain or weather, there’s nothing to erode the footsteps of the astronauts who walked there. Those footprints will last millions of years. Imagine how embarrassing it would be if you slipped on a banana peel on the moon and fell on your ass. Your assprint would be there forever. So don’t leave bananas on the moon today.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Did you know the moon is not the same as a sun? It’s not a star either. It’s not made of cheese or spare ribs. What do you think it’s made of? Spaghetti? Crabs? Barbie dolls? According to your star charts the moon is actually made of cheese after all. I knew that. Astrologers know everything about space. That’s why Moon is my favorite planet. You should eat some Moon cheese today.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) The moon only shows us one side. We never get to see the other side of the moon from down here on the dumb old earth. Moon is like my Aunt Susan. She only shows one side of her personality, but really she’s crazy and she’ll kidnap your grandma’s cat. What does she do with them? Who knows. Maybe she puts them to work in an internet video sweat shop. That’s where all the cat videos come from. Keep your cats locked up tight when Aunt Susan comes over.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) That darn moon is trying to escape. Every year it gets about four centimeters further away from us. Why? What did you do to that moon to make it go away? Come back moon! No? Fine. Who needs a moon? Not us. Maybe you can go be someone else’s moon, like maybe Uranus. Yeah, why don’t you go float off around Uranus? Uranus is funny because it sounds like a butthole. Dumb disloyal moon.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) The moon orbits the earth at about 2300 miles per hour. That’s also the speed that my Aunt Susan drives after she steals my grandma’s cats. She is not a nice lady. Besides cats, she also steals garden gnomes, salt shakers, popcorn, and triplets. Keep her away from all of those things. Some people say lunacy is caused by staring at the moon. Uncle Sven says Aunt Susan has a psychological disorder. He also says I’m just like her. He’s probably talking about the way we look.