Astrologers are basically geniuses who are too smart to waste their time on elementary concerns like math and science. “Science proved this! Mathematics proved that!” Big whoop. Get back to me when math and science are able to produce a weekly horoscope column that accurately predicts the future 100% of the time for every man, woman, and child on Earth. Still, the primitive hijinks from the so-called “intellectual community” can be adorable sometimes. Take the tradition of Yellow Pig Day, observed on July 17th by dorks in thick glasses with their pants pulled up to their nipples. Legend says that Yellow Pig Day began as a celebration of the interesting properties of the number 17. Imagine if your life sucked so bad that thinking abstractly about numbers was literally the most interesting think you could imagine doing. (Hey nerds, here’s an interesting property about the number 17: it’s exactly 17 higher than the number of girls you’ve ever made out with.) What does the number 17 have to do with yellow pigs? The pig has 17 legs and 17 eyelashes and 17 tails. Duh. It would make sense if you were a genius astrologer. But since you’re not, I’m going to tell you about the numbers you need to watch out for.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Do you ever look at the clock exactly at 11:11 and feel a sudden realization that the universe is trying to tell you something? Hold on to that feeling. Do not be dissuaded by statisticians talking about Type I errors. Don’t listen to people who point out that 11:11 only stands out because 1 is the only digit that can be repeated four times on a clock. Nerds and scientists just don’t understand how the universe works. They tell us we’re seeing patterns where none exist. Yeah, right! Next they’ll be telling us that clouds shaped like elephants aren’t really giant fluffy floating elephants.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Watch out for the number four, because four is the number of sides on a square. You are yourself a square, and by “square” I mean you are totally uncool. Whenever you see a 4 you’ll know that the universe wants you to remember how intensely boring and witless you are. If you see a 44 then you’ll know you have a doubly dull disposition. And if you see a 444 then you’re probably just a step below bread mold on the personality scale. This is going to be an uplifting week for you.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Nine. Nine will be an important number for you this week because that’s how many toes Pisces will have by the week’s end. You probably think that’s bad news. I’m not surprised. You’re a selfish jerk with 10 toes and all you can think about is the fact that you’re going to lose one. Just take nine seconds and think about the implications for your fellow Pisces who currently only have seven toes. This is the best news they’ve heard in the last nine years.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) 12 is a number considered sacred in many religious traditions. Jesus had 12 disciples. Odin had 12 sons. There were 12 tribes of Israel and 12 gods who lived on Mount Olympus. Buddhists recognize 12 stations of life, and Surya the sun god has 12 names. Many Shi’a Muslims believe in 12 Imams. Most importantly, there are 12 signs of the zodiac. What does it all mean? Absolutely nothing. Ignore all that. You need to be aware of the number twelve because this week you’re going to be accidentally kicked, punched, bumped, whacked, bitten, shoved, slapped, or swatted 12 times in the crotch.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Six is pretty cool. If you add up the factors of six, (1, 2, and 3) you get six. That doesn’t happen again until 28 (1, 2, 4, 7, and 14). Actually, that’s not particularly interesting. I only mentioned it because I’m trying to procrastinate from telling you bad news. Six is also the number of sides on a honeycomb. Bees make that shit. Bees hate you. Bees want to kill you. Run from the bees! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Run! Ok, you can stop now.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Ten is such a magical mystical number. That’s why there are ten avatars of Vishnu, ten Sikh gurus, and ten commandments. You’ve got ten fingers and ten toes (or nine, if you’re a Pisces. See above). There are ten pins in bowling, which everyone knows is the #2 most sacred game. Wheel of Fortune and it’s prophet Pat Sajak is obviously the most sacred game. But guess what? In Tarot ten is the number of Wheel of Fortune. Coincidence? All hail Pat Sajak! Oh great and merciful Sajak! We beseech thee! Please allow thy wheel to bestow great fortune upon us and no Bankrupts! These things we pray in Vanna’s name. Amen.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) There are 52 playing cards in a deck. There are 52 white keys on a piano. If you start dialing phone numbers that start with 52 you might call someone in Mexico. There were 52 American hostages taken by Iranian students in the international hiccup known as the “Iran hostage crisis.” Clearly this can’t just be a coincidence. And if you believe that, then one year from now (i.e. 52 weeks from now) you’ll probably be wearing a tinfoil hat.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) 01123581321. Does that number ring a bell? It’s not just a random sequence. If you’re the kind of nerd who celebrates Yellow Pig Day then you probably recognize it right away. And if you’re that kind of nerd then you also probably believe the number is a bit overrated after being exaggerated in a certain Dan Brown novel. If you’re a genius astrologer then you’ll know that this number is a common pattern found in nature in everything from nautilus shells to pinecones. I’d say I’m not one of those genius astrologers, but that would be a FIB. See what I did there?
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Nine, y’all. How many does a stitch in time save? Nine. How many lives does a cat have? Nine. Which cloud are you on if you’re extra happy? Cloud nine. The ninth Psalm predicts the coming of the antichrist, which is you. So please stop trying to bring about the end of days and revolting against Gawd, ok?
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Five is an interesting number. It’s often associated with Satan and the five-pointed star, or pentagram. There’s also a big building in Washington D.C. with five sides called The Pentagon. Nobody really knows what happens there. Whoever designed it must have been some kind of hippie pothead. I bet those peacenik hippies just go there to dance around naked and hug trees and inject five marijuanas at a time. Pretty sure that’s what you’ll be doing by the end of the week.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Watch out for threes. Three is, of course, the number of sides on a triangle, and a three-dimensional triangle is a pyramid. Pyramids are where mummies live, and mummies love peanut butter. Peanut butter is something dogs like. Dogs eat their own poop. Poop grows inside your stomach, and the Swiss word for stomach translates directly as “spaghetti house.” But spaghetti doesn’t live in a house because it’s a pasta. Some pasta looks like a bowtie, and Osama Bin Laden once wore a bowtie. And that is how you use the mystical power of numbers to prove that 9/11 was an inside job. Case closed.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Beware of 13. Why is 13 so unlucky? Wiccan covens have 13 members. 13 is the age of Bar Mitzvah in Judaism. The virgin of Fatima appeared on the 13th day of six consecutive months? Confused? Don’t be! I ate 13 donuts while listening to 13 hours of Kenny Loggins tapes. Don’t you get it! M is the 13th letter, and M is in the names of both Mr. T AND Barry Manilow! Wake up, sheeple! There are 13 voices in my head who tell me to wash my butt 13 times in the shower. How could they know that? In conclusion: fluoride, chemtrails, GMOs, and vaccines. Thank you.