Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Determined and dominant, you have a hard time seeing things from anyone else’s point of view. You can’t see past, or even acknowledge, your own biases. You have a bulldozer personality that pushes straight through any perceived barrier preventing you from getting your way. You’re a nightmare to work with, and even worse to work under. You overestimate your own abilities and fail to recognize the strengths of others. The only barrier between you and success that you can’t bulldoze past is your own stubbornness. Your New Year’s Resolution is to sit down, shut up, and listen.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) I’ve seen your social media posts. You think that vaccines are a plot to depopulate the world. You’re convinced that Obama is the anti-Christ. You don’t eat non-organic food because it’s full of poison. You absolutely know that you’re the guinea pig in an experiment involving chemtrails across the sky. You think Alex Jones is a visionary. And it goes without saying that 9/11 was obviously an inside job. The fact that none of the experts agree with you is just more proof of the conspiracy. This rationale makes you impossible to reason with, so I’m not going to try. Your New Year’s Resolution is to take off your tin foil hat and go read the story of Chicken Little.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) You are flaky and indecisive. You hold up the line at the check out counter for 20 minutes while you figure out if you want paper or plastic. You’re in your 9th year of undergraduate studies because you keep changing your major. You haven’t gone out to eat since 1989 because you can’t decide where you want to go. While you’re ignoring the world around you in favor of these internal deliberations life is passing you by. Guess what? Your existence is less significant than you realize; the potential consequences of your everyday mundane decisions do not merit the time and energy you spend on them. Your New Year’s Resolution is to shit or get off the pot.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) In spite of paying lip service to the importance of giving during Christmas-time (which was, for the record, only a week ago) you continue to be one of the most selfish and greedy assholes in SE Idaho. You have more financial resources than just about anyone you know, yet you still let your friends foot the bill whenever possible. You’ve never donated time or money to any humanitarian cause, and you have no qualms about exploiting financially-vulnerable people in your business dealings. Compared to you, Ebenezer Scrooge is a real swell guy. Your New Year’s Resolution is to toss your wallet in a dumpster and find something to appreciate other than money.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You’re a fairly nice, normal person. You function just fine in society. There’s just one thing—You don’t respect other people’s personal space. I don’t mean to shame you for being affectionate, but you just can’t be so touchy-feely with strangers. You’re the type who would walk up to a pregnant woman and put your hand on her belly without asking for permission. Are you insane? That’s a good way to lose a hand—especially if she turns out not to be pregnant. I understand that your intentions aren’t bad, but consider other people’s comfort level before getting grabby. Your New Year’s Resolution is to keep your hands to yourself.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You’re a drama queen. It’s not that you like making people upset—you just get bored. There’s nothing like interpersonal conflict to spice up your life. When you’re unable to start shit with a person you’re more than happy to insert yourself in their drama that has nothing to do with you. Believe it or not, most people don’t like unnecessary drama. That’s why the rest of us are sick of your shit. Your New Year’s Resolution is to mind your own business.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You fart too much. What’s up with your butt anyway? Is it genetic? Does your mama fart like that? If so you probably needed gas masks to survive going home for the holidays. Seriously, fart lord. Is it a medical condition? Are you smuggling a collection of rotten eggs in your colon? Have you been genetically modified by a secret military project to develop new chemical weapons? Have you had any natural gas companies enquire about fracking your ass? Please don’t answer that. Your New Year’s Resolution is to lay off the beef and broccoli.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You love the limelight and crave attention. You want all eyes in the room to be on you. If you’re a professional entertainer that’s great. But if you aren’t getting paid to do it on stage then it’s probably not as fun for others as you might think. Other people have interesting creative ideas too, but you’re drowning them out. When your life is centered on appealing to the demands of an audience you can easily get stuck in a limbo of superficiality. Take some time for introspection and development of character depth. Your New Year’s Resolution is to share the spotlight.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) There’s this magical new invention called “hygiene.” Check it out. People around you do things like brushing their teeth and washing their hands after going to the bathroom. I know you don’t like trends or hopping on a bandwagon but I’m pretty sure hygiene is here to stay. Proper hygiene has a few proven benefits, like reduction in illness, improved odors of the breath and body, oh, and not spreading your goddam turd particles to everyone you shake hands with. I know this is a challenging concept for you so I’ll start you off slow. Your New Year’s resolution is to start showering more than once a month.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You’re sexy and you know it. You have to be. You’re completely co-dependent on your partner. The thought of being single terrifies you more than the thought of dying a nasty death. You spend hours primping in the bathroom. You say it’s for your partner’s sake but who are you kidding? You’ve always got your eye on your next romantic conquest, and you’re secretly planting the seeds for future flings. That’s no way to foster long term commitments. Your fear of loneliness will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Face your fear. Embrace independence. Your value as a human being isn’t dependent on how much other people want you. Your New Year’s Resolution is to learn to love yourself.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) There’s a picture of you in the dictionary next to the phrase “little man syndrome.” It’s got nothing to do with your physical height. You have a chip on your shoulder that stems from a fear of inadequacy. You do everything well, but you’re tortured by the thought that someone else might do it better. Instead of encouraging your friends you’re more likely to try to one-up them. Guess what, Napolean? Life isn’t a competition. Do the best you can with what you’ve got and learn to appreciate the same in others. Your New Year’s Resolution is to avoid proverbial dick-measuring contests.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Your ideas are dangerous. They make people uncomfortable. You question authority at every turn and never let the status quo go unchallenged. Friends consider you an argumentative rabble-rouser. You find yourself concerned with the plight of people you don’t know in far away places. You wonder about the global impact of your lifestyle. You consider things like privilege as it applies to your race, gender, and able-bodied-ness. If implemented, your ideas would make a lot of people upset. Naturally, your New Year’s Resolution is not to change a goddam thing.