For thousands of years prophets and seers have foretold the end of the world. We, here in the secret underground Horrorscope cave, would be derelict in our duties if we did not jump on that bandwagon (again and again and again). So you heard it here first! The world will end in 2015! Since you’re a loyal Horrorscope reader you’ll have time to prepare. In fact, you’re probably going to survive. Congratulations. We’ve taken a long hard look at the stars and are ready to tell you the way that you’ll make it through the upcoming end of days.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Remember that old episode of The Twilight Zone when Burgess Meredith accidentally survives a nuclear holocaust by reading in the bank vault during his lunch break? You’re going to survive just like that. Except you won’t be reading a book. You haven’t cracked a book in your spare time since… Ever. No, and you won’t be in a bank vault either. You’ll be in a portable toilet. The toxic gasses you release will somehow shield you from the cosmic rays that fry everyone else. You’ll make the portable toilet your home and thrive in its toxic fart atmosphere.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Remember when you were a kid and everyone made fun of you for being so gross? You’d rub mud in your hair and chew gum from the sidewalk and eat boogers… Everyone around you was disgusted. Don’t worry though. You’ll have the last laugh. Unbeknownst to the haters, all that obnoxiously sickening deviant behavior strengthened your immune system. Early exposure to every known variety of pathogen will make you immune to the coming global superflu which will kill everyone. Then, when all those judgmental assholes are dead, you can go back to drinking your own pee in peace.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) You aren’t interested in the concept of morality. Things like empathy and altruism are for the weak. The nicest people will be the first to die off in the post-nuclear wasteland. But like most other thieves and liars, you can’t wait for the apocalypse. You love the idea of a world where everyone fends for themselves. No pesky law enforcement or prison sentences. Most people will expend their ammunition supplies in the first few months so you won’t even have to worry about getting shot. You’ll go house to house, scavenging and pillaging and taking whatever you want from whomever you want. Sounds like paradise for douchebags like you.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Your kindergarten report card offered us a glimpse into your future when your teacher wrote “Does not play well with others; refuses to share.” You’d hoard all the toys to yourself and bite anyone who tried to take one. You didn’t even like most of the toys in your hoard—You just loved the idea of controlling a resource that someone else wanted. This continued into your adulthood. Most hoarders suffer from psychological problems that make it difficult for them to let go of things. You, on the other hand, hoard because you like taking things away from people who need them. You’ll live off of your hoard of stuff well into the post-apocalyptic world. You’ll take great pleasure in the tears of all your starving friends and family with whom you refuse to share.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Bad luck sticks to you like a magnet. You should probably change your name to Bad Luck Chuck. Don’t fret. It will work out to your advantage later this year. See, 2015 will be the year that the robots rise and attempt to enslave humanity. There will be a massive battle of man versus machine. You’ll be stoked to go kick some robot ass. You’ll grab your laser rifle and run outside. On the way out the door you’ll trip and faceplant on the steps of your porch. You’ll be knocked out cold. When you wake up you’ll realize that you missed the entire battle. You’ll also realize that the battle resulted in the mutual destruction of both human and robot. You are the last living human, doomed to a desperately lonely existence on the barren wasteland of a planet we humans used to call “Earth.” Congrats on turning around that bad luck!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You’re part of the lunatic fringe that loses their minds at every whiff of a conspiracy theory. The New World Order. The Illuminati. The Reptilians. The Masons. The Rothschilds. 9/11 was an inside job. Bigfoot. Chemtrails. “Big Pharma” suppressing cures. False Flags. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. You believe all that nonsense. You’ve been expecting the end of the world every single day for as long as you can remember. You are really looking forward to seeing everyone suffer and die so that you can stand on your roof and scream “I told you so!” You’re going to get your chance. Turns out you were correct, and one of those conspiracies brings about the end of mankind. You’ll survive with a few other loonies because you saw the end coming. I can’t tell you which conspiracy you’re right about because I’m obviously part of it. But you and the other tin-foil-hat-wearing jerks will survive long enough to strangle each other in a paranoid delusional rage.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Here’s some good news. The end of the world won’t be the fiery dramatic event we’ve been told to expect. Here’s some more good news. You’re definitely going to survive that non-fiery, non-dramatic event. Here’s some bad news. You’re going to wish you hadn’t. I’ll explain: You know how you touch yourself 100 times every single day? Jesus sees that. He watches every single time. So when the world ends by heavenly rapture he’s taking pretty much everybody to heaven… Everybody except you. Now go wash your hands and think about what you’ve done.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You’re lazy and oblivious. You probably aren’t even reading this. No matter. If you could get out of bed long enough to read your Horrorscopes then you’d know what to expect. 2015 will be the year that humans make friendly contact with a race of very wise extraterrestrials. They will come to Earth with a warning: Our planet is about to be destroyed by a massive super-volcano eruption. The friendly aliens offer to take us to a safer place. The bad news is that after we’re all loaded onto their ships, they eat us. The good news is that your lazy oblivious ass couldn’t be bothered to follow the news, so you got left on Earth. Oh well. Now you just have to figure out how to deal with that pesky volcano…
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) You’re a two-faced backstabbing asshole. No one has ever accused you of suffering from excessive loyalty. Your treachery knows no bounds. Everyone around you thinks you’re a real piece of shit, but don’t worry. They’ll all be dead soon. When the intergalactic alien overlords invade Earth, you’ll happily turn traitor. In exchange for your life you’ll tell them everything they need to know to extinguish the human species. Unfortunately, after the successful invasion the aliens will deport you to do slave labor on their homeworld. But at least that will give you the opportunity to continue lying to someone/something.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You stinky. You smell like the toilets after an international irritable bowel syndrome conference. You smell like the vomit of a wet dog who just ate a dozen rotten eggs. You smell like Miley Cyrus. As bad as you smell, you taste even worse. This will come into play later this year, when the earth is completely engulfed by a rogue black hole. The black hole is going to sneak up on us and gobble us up. Now this might sound like hyperbole, but you are so gross that the black hole, the most destructive force in all of nature, is literally going to spit your nasty ass out.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) 2015 is the year that the world will end due to global warming spiraling out of control. Our scientists warned us for years but you didn’t give a shit. You kept driving your gas guzzler and buying up all those disposable bottled waters. The blood of billions will be on your hands. First temperatures spike high enough to melt people in the warmer regions. As the polar ice caps also melt, ocean levels rise and drown off the survivors. Strangely enough you will be able to survive, first by cooling yourself off with all that bottled water, and then building a life raft with all those empty bottles. Thanks, jerk.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) You’re annoying as hell. Seriously. You’ve gotten away with it so far, but the rest of humanity has had enough of your shit. This is the year that we say “Enough is enough.” We’re going to put you on a rocket and shoot you into space. Sorry, bro. It has to be done to put an end to your nonsense. Unfortunately, we’re going to be even more annoyed with you when we realize that Earth is about to get slammed by a doomsday meteor the day after you blast off. So you’ll have an amazing bird’s eye view in orbit as you watch every man, woman and child on the planet die a fiery violent death. Ugh, we hate you so much right now.