Horrorscopes Jan 18-24, 2015
You’ve probably heard of “spirit animals.” Spirit animals are beings from another dimension who come to us in dreams and meditations. They offer council and friendship, and usually take on a form that reflects the strengths and abilities of their human companion. You can tell a lot about a person by catching a glimpse of their spirit animal. So what does it mean when your spirit animal is a dangerous infection?
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) You really enjoy hogging the spotlight, don’t you? Sure you’re pretty dangerous, but the overall damage you’ll do is fairly minimal if everyone else can just keep it together long enough to respond without hysterics. Your spirit infection is ebola. Ebola symptoms include a high fever along with internal and external bleeding. You’re not all that infectious, unless you can convince someone to play in puddles of your bodily fluids.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Super inconvenient and uncomfortable, you’re responsible for bazillions of lost work hours. Your spirit infection is influenza. Sure, we’ve got a yearly shot that can slow you down. But you’re so infectious that you almost always get your man. You’re the reason I always want to wash my hands immediately after touching any public door handles. Don’t act like you’ve never been known to make children vomit. You make me sick. Literally.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) There’s nothing all that special about you. When you’re around, people just go about their lives as if nothing is happening at all. Those closest to you consider you a mild annoyance if they have time to notice you at all. Your spirit infection is the common cold. The truth is that you’re not much of a threat to anyone. However, if left to your own devices, you can become a real snot. Keep your chin up, sniffles. Your unobtrusiveness will allow you to fly under the radar and survive long after cures have been developed for more threatening types.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Oh. It’s you again. You just don’t know when to quit. I suppose your tenacity and determination would be admirable if you weren’t so damn obnoxious. Your spirit infection is measles. You have a habit of sneaking into people’s unlocked houses and doing creepy things. Now you know why: Measles had all but been eradicated until the inexplicably dumb anti-vaccination movement left a door unlocked for it to creep back in. If you’ve been following the news lately you’ve probably felt a strong pull toward Disneyland. Please don’t stop there—Keep heading northwest to Hollywood and spend a few days with your personal benefactor Jenny McCarthy.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You dirty dog. You’re prone to fits of erratic frothing rage. Your smell lets us know that you stay far away from the bathtub. And you really need to stop biting people. Your spirit infection is rabies. In humans, rabies is sort of like the flu, combined with minor inconveniences like hallucinations, hydrophobia, and paralysis. You’ve always had excessive salivation—When people ask you for the news they end up getting the weather… Get it? It’s because you spit all over them when you talk. And then you bite them. Because you hallucinate that their hands are giant pickles. Get a grip.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) What do you think about when you hear the word “herpes?” The great thing about herpes is that it’s so flexible. Cold sores, genital herpes, chicken pox and so much more. It can fudge up your life in so many different ways. That’s why herpes is your spirit infection. You also know a wide variety of methods to ruin people’s lives. Like herpes, you also cause people to feel an itchy burning sensation, and you’re the last thing people want to think about before having sex. On the bright side, you’re awfully loyal. You’re a friend for life. You’ll never abandon a friend. It makes sense. Herpes never goes away either. Awww! How sweet!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) You really get on my nerves. That’s why I’m not surprised that your spirit infection is polio. Advanced polio doesn’t just get ON your nerves—It destroys them. Loss of these motor neurons leads to paralysis. The bad news for you is that your spirit infection has been pretty much eradicated in the U.S., thanks to Dr. Jonas Salk. Salk’s vaccine has saved countless millions of lives. But don’t worry. Pockets of polio still survive in certain parts of Asia and Africa. The stars foresee international travel in your future!
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Do you like zombie movies and taking advantage of the elderly? Of course you do. That was rhetorical. I know you do these things because your spirit infection is necrotizing fasciitis. Necrotizing fasciitis, commonly known as the “flesh-eating” bacteria, has several different causes. Once it gets inside you it begins rotting your flesh, like some kind of horrible George A. Romero tribute. It targets those who are elderly or already weakened from another condition. Typical bully behavior. Typically disgusting. Typical you.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) You’ve spent half your waking hours on the toilet. Most people would hat this, but you feel perfectly at ease. You see public restrooms as a home away from home. Your spirit infection is cholera, which is characterized by explosive watery diarrhea. Explosive watery diarrhea sounds hilarious, but keep in mind that people actually die from it. Lots of people. Something like 100-120k according to the WHO. Cholera is one of those diseases that can really be slowed down by good sanitation. This just makes it all the more disturbing that during your frequent bathroom visits you never ever wash your hands. Ew!
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Ever notice how some people get eaten alive by mosquitos? And then other people don’t seem to get bitten at all? You’re one of those not-bothered-by-skeeters people. In fact, you’re surrounded at all times by a cloud of blood sucking minions. That’s because your spirit infection is malaria. Malaria is a fever that’s spread by mosquitos. It kills over 600,000 people every year. A lot of people say we should blame you for all that. If you’d just apologize and stop spreading malaria then maybe you could have some non-insect human friends. Sigh. Also, tell your mosquito cloud to stay away from my backyard barbecues. Seriously.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) You ugly. Your face reminds me of the hole left after a fat kid stomps in a mud puddle. Could you kindly cover yourself while I’m eating? Your spirit infection is smallpox. Smallpox leaves its victims disfigured and mutilated. Deep pitted scars appear after fluid-filled blisters pop and ooze out all over you. The disfigured victims are the lucky ones. At least they’re still alive. Smallpox’s deadliness made it a potent bioweapon for Europeans to use against the indigenous peoples in colonial times. Luckily for the rest of us, smallpox has been completely eradicated apart from a few samples kept safely under lock in research facilities. If you could do likewise and restrict yourself to a test tube in a freezer I think we’d all appreciate it.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) You think you’re a cheese grater. You can’t remember where you put your collection of toenail clippings. You like to jump up and down for hours screaming “”My face is made of hot dogs!” This is because your spirit infection is bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Commonly known in humans as Creutzfeldt–Jakob or “mad cow disease,” this infection turns your brain into a sponge. Symptoms include dementia and psychosis. That’s why nobody noticed your symptoms—you’ve always acted this way. Mad cow isn’t caused by a virus or bacteria like most infections. It’s caused by something called a prion. Prions are misfolded proteins which use peer pressure to get all the proteins around them to also fold in the wrong way. Or something like that. People with hot dogs for faces have more important things to worry about.