It’s the beginning of the Spring semester, which means it’s officially time for you students to change your major. You need to be sure to consult the stars before getting too attached to any given subject. Let the zodiac be your guidance counselor. It would be great if we could all be doctors and lawyers but I’ve seen your transcripts. Let’s be honest. It’s time to change your major to something more realistic.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) “You’ve got your head in the clouds!” You’re all too familiar with this phrase. You’d daydream your life away if people around you wouldn’t stop interrupting with their demands that you pay your bills, put pants on, drive on the right side of the road, and so forth. You fantasize about space adventures. You imagine being an astronaut and colonizing Mars and interspecies relations with tri-breasted aliens, but let’s be real. The only bit of Mars you’ll ever get your hands on is a candy bar. Embrace your lack of productivity. Change your major to liberal arts.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) You want to be an artist. That’s only natural considering all the praise you’ve received for your work. From your mom. But here’s the thing about moms: they all think their children are art savants. She ignored your real talents so you never developed them. Let’s be real. That macaroni picture hanging on her fridge isn’t even good by macaroni art standards. You lack creativity and vision, as well as the ability to handle criticism. Embrace your love of donuts instead. Change your major to criminal justice.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) You fantasize about courtroom drama. You see yourself in expensive suits, briefcase in hand, preaching to a box full of enamored jurors. How could they not love you? You’re so pretty and clever. But let’s be real. Narcissism is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your salad of psychological pathology. Reactive attachment disorder, borderline personality disorder, placebo-induced diarrhea… But that’s because daddy never loved you. Shh, shh, just rock yourself to sleep. Pay no attention to the man with the straight jacket. Change your major to psychology.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) You see yourself as a charismatic leader. You think people are enthralled by your lofty ideas. You envision a career in politics. As a senior statesman you’d be adored by throngs of voters who appreciate your no-nonsense approach to tackling the issues. But let’s be real. You don’t have good ideas. You’re just a pompous windbag. Don’t worry though. You can still get people to listen to your awful regurgitation of ideas that have long since been proven wrong. Just drop your political science studies and go to divinity school.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Here’s the scoop: you want to be a newspaper reporter. You want to be first on the scene delivering breaking news whenever the mayor farts in a council meeting, or whatever it is that passes as “news” in SE Idaho. You see journalism as a practical approach to earning a living through writing, but let’s be real. Nobody pays real money for newspaper articles anymore. Let’s just admit that you’re going to do nothing but write unread poetry in your mom’s basement until you’re well into your 40s. Embrace it. Change your major from journalism to creative writing.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You want to own and operate your own restaurant. Imagine that, having your own place with your own menu. Think of the fulfillment you’d feel by serving up delicious meals to your fellow hungry citizens. But let’s be real. Your cooking sucks and you only want to run a restaurant so you can boss around the cooks and hire a waiting staff based on the likelihood that each person will date you. You want to make threats and be treated like you’re way more important than you actually are. I say embrace your authority issues. Abandon the culinary arts and change your major to business administration.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Anthropology? Are you kidding me? I don’t even have anything funny or clever to say about that. How many anthropologists do you know? Are you just really determined to work in fast food forever? Let’s be real. You’re setting the bar too low for yourself. Stop being a reluctant genius. And by “reluctant genius” I mean “lazy asshole.” Embrace your full potential. Change to a double major in chemical engineering and nuclear science. Minor in neuroscience.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) “It’s going to be so nice to have a doctor in the family!” That’s what your grandma keeps saying. But that’s probably because she’s a pill-popping stoner who plans to steal your prescription pad. So tell her it’s for her own good when she finds out that you’ve been failing all your pre-med classes. Sure, every loves to “play doctor.” And doctors make great money. But that’s because they’re usually pretty smart. And let’s be real: you aren’t. Change your major to something more attainable for dumbasses… Something like communications.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Strangers at the bar are really impressed when you tell them you’re going to be a rocket scientist. But not everyone is dumb enough to believe you. No, a manned voyage to the sun isn’t possible. No, not even if you go at night. Normally I’d say that you don’t need to lie to make friends, but in your case you probably do. Let’s be real. Some people just have defective personalities, but you can start changing that this year. Forget about changing your major. You never even finished high school. Get started on that GED. (It’s not rocket science.)
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) You love reading. Adventure, romance, drama, and whatever else you can get your hands on. That’s why you thought you’d be a great English major. But guess what? You can’t just sit back and be a passive reading audience in English lit classes. You have to be able to critique and synthesize and analyze and consider themes, symbols, points of view… Let’s be real. That’s more original thought than you’re capable of. You need a major where you can just read the material and regurgitate it without any real critical analysis. Change your major to theater.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) There’s an old saying: “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.” As an education major you despise this sentiment, but deep down you recognize its validity. Because really, teaching is a terrible, awful, thankless job. The pay is shit, the parents are assholes, and everyone thinks you’re a lazy bastard who gets paid to take a 3 month vacation every year. In truth, it’s a good thing teachers have the three months off—They need to spend it working in the coal mines to make up for their shitty salary. Let’s be real. No one who could possible do any other job would want to be a teacher. That’s why you should stick with education instead of changing your major.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) There’s no nice way to say this. You’re completely useless. It’s not that you aren’t brilliant or capable. You just can’t handle responsibility. I know you think you’d be a great engineer, but you don’t want anyone scrutinizing every little detail of your work, or knowing that the slightest design flaws could lead to catastrophic accidents. Let’s be real—you need an outlet for your creative genius that will leave you immune to real life consequences. And you need classes where you can still pass the tests while drunk. Change your major to philosophy.