Love is in the air, guys and gals. Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and that got me thinking. See, one of my favorite past-times is using my magical astrology powers to look into you guys’ past lives and see what kind of jerks you used to be. Most past life regressions end up convincing people that they used to be a pharaoh or a princess or something like that. Sure, some of your past lives were pretty glamorous, but not all of them. Some of them were absolute shit. And Valentine’s Day reminds me that you shared a bed with some real losers in those shit lives. Without further ado, here is a list of the crappy lovers you had in your past lives.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) We’re going to kick off this column by going way back to B.C. Times. There were these towns called Sodom and Gomorrah. God hated these places, sort of like how He hates Detroit now. So one day he was like “Screw you guys!” and blew the place up. There was only one dude, Mr. Lot, who was cool with God in that town. God gave Lot a head start before the fireworks started so that he, his wife, and his daughters could escape. Along the way, Lot’s wife accidentally turned into paprika or onion powder or some kind of seasoning. Long story. Anywho, Mr. Lot and his daughters hid in a big cave. These daughters were feeling a bit lonely I guess, because they ended up having a drunken cave orgy with their pop. Anyway, you’ll probably guess who you were when I say that your past life lover was Mr. Lot.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) In a previous life you were a lovely young woman of European descent. We’ll call you “Miss B.” Miss B was born in 1912. She went to Catholic school like a lot of her peers, and earned fairly average grades. She was a natural athlete and enjoyed gymnastics and swimming. She was considered a real beauty by the standard of those times. As she blossomed into young womanhood she developed an appreciation for fashion and jazz music. She was best known for her photography, which she eventually turned into a career. Everything was going great, and then one day she boned and married Hitler. Yes Miss Braun, your past life lover was Adolf Hitler.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Every once in a while we mystics end up solving an ancient mystery and this is one of those moments. When I looked into your star charts I had a vision of you as a young man in the latter half of the 19th century. I saw you and someone else sneaking into a shed to make a little whoopee. Turns out this young lady-companion of yours was married to a big scary fellow. You didn’t realize that he had followed you two in hopes of catching you in the act. You nearly crapped yourself when he came barging in. Your lady friend jumped up so fast that she kicked over a lantern. The glass smashed and the flame spread to your straw bedding. Before you knew it the whole shed was engulfed in flame and you were getting your face smashed in by an angry husband. Meanwhile the blaze engulfed an entire city, killing 300 and rendering another 100,000 homeless. Your past life lover was the lady who started the Great Chicago Fire of 1871.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) You might need to break out the Google for this one, so pay attention. You were a servant named Laszlo in Hungary in the 16th century. You worked in a castle, wiping rich people’s asses and whatnot. You ended up having a thing for the boss’s wife, and he wasn’t very sympathetic after you got her pregnant. He sort of castrated you and then fed what was left of you to his dogs. I don’t know if this experience was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but that former lover of yours sort of snapped. She ended up becoming famous for being the most prolific female serial killer in history with as many as 650 victims. Your past life lover was Elizabeth Bathory.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) The best thing about starting a cult is that you get to have sex with just about anyone you want. This was certainly the case in your past life when you were one of hundreds of men and women who got it on with one particular cult leader. He moved you all down to Guyana where people started getting a little disillusioned with the abusive “utopian” situation he set up. When the outside world started applying pressure, your guy lost his shit. He made everyone chug a bunch of cyanide before blowing his own brains out. What a charmer. Your past life lover was Jim Jones.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You had the worst past life lover of all. This lady was famous, but nobody knew why. She didn’t have any discernable talents or accomplishments. Sure, her dad was a bazillionaire, but who cares? I don’t want to overstate my case; I mean she wasn’t ugly—I’ll say that for her. Maybe it wasn’t even her fault that the media was so obsessed with her. I don’t know who to blame. Your past life lover was Paris Hilton. Wait. Hold on. Sources are telling me that she’s still alive. This magic 8 ball must be broken.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) In ancient biblical times there was once a mighty dude with the strength of a thousand He-Mans and the hair of Fabio. One time he slayed an entire army by himself using a simple hand-held weapon. In his spare time he did things like ripping lions to shred with his bare hands, and tying flaming torches to 300 foxes’ tails so that they’d run around burning down his enemies’ shit. Sort of like a biblical Chuck Norris. Anyway, this guy had two weaknesses. The first weakness was for sexy little thangs like you. You used that weakness to find out his other weakness. One visit from the barber later, your man was reduced to a quivering pile of unmanly Jello. His enemies captured and humiliated him, and you walked away with a pocket full of cash. Your past life lover was called Samson.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) A 16-year-old French prostitute can do worse than to hook up with a king. Or can she? The king you happened to seduce was a real piece of work. His ruthless exploitation of the Congo resulted in the deaths of millions of Congolese. Nobody knows exactly how many millions of people died under his brutal regime since none of the European colonial masters valued African lives enough to keep track. We know it was at least two million and as many as fifteen million. As your lover pilfered the country he used a significant amount of that blood money to buy you expensive gifts and properties. You finally got him to put a ring on it a few days before he died, which left you a very young, rich widow. Your past life lover was Leopold II of Belgium.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Sometimes you try really hard to impregnate your lover, and when it doesn’t work out, it’s good to be a man in the 16th century. For some reason all the pressure to produce royal heirs fell on the shoulders of the ladies in those days. Your poor wife had so much pressure on her that she suffered from two separate phantom pregnancies which, for a time, made her the laughing stock of Europe. A Venetian ambassador famously joked that reports of her pregnancy were probably more likely to end in massive farts. But don’t feel too bad for her. She had almost 300 people burned at the stake, supposedly for religious dissent (Yeah right, more likely just for shits and gigs). Historically we can’t know for sure if she had a farting problem, but by the power of astrology I can verify that it’s true. Your past life lover was Mary I of England, a.k.a. “Bloody Mary.”
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) After your last life you might have been remembered as a real badass lady if you’d just chosen your lover a little more carefully. But you didn’t, so the majority of the world is really not a fan of your work. You were a guerrilla fighter in the first half of the 20th century. Espionage, gun fights, and all that James Bond shit. You fought for your people and political ideology. It just wasn’t a very good ideology. Your lover ended up being one of the most brutal dictators of all time, and the son you bore him was even worse. Jury is still out on how terrible your grandson will be, but at the very least he’s a complete asshole. Your past life lover was Kim Il-sung.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) “Personal — comely widow who owns a large farm in one of the finest districts in La Porte County, Indiana, desires to make the acquaintance of a gentleman equally well provided, with view of joining fortunes. No replies by letter considered unless sender is willing to follow answer with personal visit. Triflers need not apply.” Boy howdy! Tell me you wouldn’t get hot and bothered if you read that on a dating website profile. This ad got your blood boiling when you saw it in your previous life, shortly after the turn of the 20th century. Unfortunately, after paying a visit to the author of this ad, you disappeared forever. If you’d have lived a while longer you would have been around when people discovered that she had murdered several other suitors and husbands, as well as her own children. Your past life lover was Belle Gunness.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) When it comes to relationships we can all look back and see successes and failures, good decisions and lapses in judgment. Like sometimes you date a nice girl who does nice things, but then other times you hook up with a lady who allegedly has prisoners executed to make souvenirs out of the tattoos on their skins. I’m not 100% sure which person you were, since this lady was thought to be having promiscuous relationships with tons of people including SS officers, imprisoned Jews, and possibly even her gay husband. Your past life lover was Ilse Koch.