Thank goodness for astrology. Without astrology we wouldn’t understand how our earth is the center of the universe and that everything revolves around us. And if things didn’t revolve around us we couldn’t have calendars and seasons and holidays like this week’s Mardi Gras. Traditionally, Mardi Gras is the day that you get drunk and try to get people to expose themselves in exchange for beads; you then spend the next 40 days apologizing to the heavenly powers-that-be via a process called “Lent.” Lent used to be just for Catholics, but now all kinds of hipsters love using it as an excuse to rub dirt on their faces and act sanctimonious. So in order to help you prepare for repentance I’m going to use this column to remind you of the other sins you accumulated this year. (Refer to the NIV version of these Bible passages.)
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) I know you think you’ve got a clean slate with the big man upstairs. You don’t say bad words. You don’t lie, cheat, or steal. You even go to church every week. But that last one is a bit of a problem. See, Deuteronomy 23 tells us that illegitimate children can’t go to church, nor may their descendants. Unfortunately your great great great great great great great grandfather was a real bastard, literally and figuratively. That chapter also tells us that you can’t go to church if you’ve mutilated your peepee, so I guess it’s a double-whammy for you.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Here’s a familiar scenario: You’re getting messed up in a street fight (that’s fine, no sin there) when suddenly your wife shows up and grabs the other guy’s wiener. Time out. First of all, why is she doing that? Of all the ways to break up a fight, that’s what she thought of first? Obviously she is a sinner for doing this, but did you know that you’re also going to get dinged for it? Deuteronomy 25:11 discusses this exact scenario. Fellas, when your wife grabs another man’s junk to defend you then you must cut off her hand. That is non-negotiable. If you don’t then you might as well take a shower in lemon juice and then dry off your butthole with a rabid wombat. When you’re down there burning in Hades you’ll find the idea of sticky wombat claws in your sphincter to be a pleasant diversion from the horror of your normal daily activities.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) You’re a real piece of work. You claim you can’t think of a single thing you need to repent for? Let me clue you in. You watched the Super Bowl last month, correct? Pow! Sin! Leviticus 11:8 does not mince words about avoiding dead pig skin. You don’t think it’s a serious sin? Let me put it in perspective: You might as well have wiped a booger on the Pope’s hat. There is a special place in Hell for dicks who do things like that. Start praying or else.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) It seems weird that you need to be reminded of this, but you need to repent for sacrificing your children to Molek. That seems like an obvious no-no, and something that is unlikely to slip your mind when it comes time to repent. I don’t want to sound too judgmental here. It’s not like you’re the only one who’s ever done this. We wouldn’t need Leviticus 18:21 if this wasn’t a rampant problem. Some people mistakenly think that Molek is some kind of pagan deity. The whole thing seems even less appropriate when you realize that Molek is just the little Asian guy who runs the liquor store. Repent ye, or be cast out!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Don’t have sex with your uncle’s wife anymore. Oh, you thought I wouldn’t notice? I’m an astrologer, fool. You can’t hide your shit from me. Having sex with your uncle’s wife is one of the worst things you can do. I know, it sounds a little too specific to be practical, but Leviticus 18:14 is very clear about this. Banging your aunt is no joke; you might as well make love to a wooden barrel, and then fill it with polio-stricken children before tossing it off a cliff into a field full of landmines. Thus saith the lord (or someone else, who cares). Amen.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) This one is a bit sensitive so please remove your children and/or parents from the room before proceeding. Your biggest sin this year is… How do I say this…? Abusing yourself? The heavenly powers-that-be do not condone spilling your seed upon the ground. Just ask Onan from Genesis 38. He was supposed to knock up his dead bro’s wife, but instead he squirted in the dirt. God, being perfectly just, loving, kind and rational, responded in the only appropriate way: He straight up smote his ass. Don’t be a sinner like Onan. Impregnate your brother’s wife like you’re supposed to.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Look at you. You’re a mess. What’s going on with that rat’s nest of hair? Is that a rip in your jeans? You are playing with fire, my friend. Bad hair and ripped clothes are not just sins, they are sins which are punishable by death. Don’t believe me? Look up Leviticus 10:6 in the New International Version, oh ye of little faith. Not only will you die, but the lord will also be pissed at your entire community, and he will destroy some bitches with fire. All because you can’t be bothered to drag a comb through that mop. You selfish bed-headed dick.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Had a baby recently? Hope you didn’t go to church afterwards. The Bible doesn’t want you to go to church for at least 33 days after unloading that bun from your oven. Make that 66 days if it’s a girl. Leviticus 12:4-5. If you didn’t have a baby then you probably sinned by allowing someone else to thusly sin. Though art abomination.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Hey, do you like the Beatles? Boom, that’s a sin. Leviticus 19:27 is quite clear on its prohibition against round haircuts. That’s probably why John “Bigger Than Jesus” Lennon made them all style their hair like that. Leviticus 5:1 is also quite clear that failing to testify against any wrongdoings you’ve witnessed is a sin. Have you reported The Beatles to the appropriate authorities? No, you haven’t. You just go on living, day to day, pretending that you didn’t see four lads from Liverpool walking around with rounded haircuts. You’re living a lie. You might as well have dropped an upper decker right in the church’s toilet.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Everyone knows that adultery is a sin. Duh. But did you know that divorcing and re-marrying counts as adultery? Look no further than Mark 10, you cheating bastard. I know there are one or two smug Libras reading this thinking “I’m not divorced. I’m no sinner.” Shut your dirty sinning mind-mouth. See that gold wedding band you’re wearing? That’s also a sin. Check yourself, Miss Sassypants, and then check 1 Timothy 2. Don’t even think about arguing ladies. That same chapter reminds us that women are to remain quiet and submissive, and that you are not to have power over a man. Go repent and then make your cheating husband a sandwich.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) According to your star chart, you’re sitting at a computer reading an online astrology column. Shame on you! Why don’t you just saw off your dead grandmother’s leg and kick her in the face with it? That’s how serious it is when you ignore Deuteronomy 18’s ban on occult divination. Yes, the Horrorscopes are derived from occult divination. Did you think I just make this shit up? Obviously I’d have to use evil magic in order to be so accurate with my predictions. Oh, you question my accuracy? Tell that to Grandma Stumpy.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) You read all the entries above and I know what you’re thinking. “All this Old Testament stuff is malarkey! The New Testament changed all that stuff.” Let me stop you right there. You might as well have slapped little baby Jesus right across his little bearded baby face. Here’s what he said in Matthew 5:18-19 “For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.” March your little tittles to church and get repentin’.