Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Capricorns worry that a rogue black hole is going to appear and swallow the Earth and all its inhabitants into an infinitely deep pit of eternal darkness. And you’re right. Your body will be torn apart by gravitational forces so intense that the scientific term describing this process is “spaghettification.” But surely it would be impossible for the most deadly natural disaster in the universe to sneak up on us, right? Since black holes literally suck in light they are completely invisible, so no. Luckily we astrologers aren’t bound by the logic and consistency of astrophysics scientists, so I’m going to predict you have about three hours left before you become one with the singularity.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) As an Aquarius you’re probably an awkward nerd with no friends. Have you considered adopting a cold slimy eight-legged buddy? There are a million reasons why you should adopt a foster octopus. Thousands of poor neglected cephalopods are abandoned every day. Crowded octopus shelters are stretched thin in resources. They are sweet and affectionate, and they almost never ruin your furniture with their ink blasts. Actually, the ink blasts are kind of a deal breaker. Screw octopi. Luckily, you can adopt yourself a nice warm cuddly dog or cat from your local animal shelter instead.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Pisces are prone to fits of overcompensation. Merriam-Webster defines “overcompensation” as “excessive reaction to a feeling of inferiority, guilt, or inadequacy leading to an exaggerated attempt to overcome the feeling.” It’s interesting that our complex bundle of emotions and self-worth often cause people to project an image of themselves—an image which is the exaggerated opposite of what they fear they might actually be. On one hand, knowing about this tendency can give us insight into the tender insecurities behind the actions of bullies and other assholes. On the other hand, well… Keep this in mind next time you’re chatting with that one friend of yours who won’t shut up about how gross he/she thinks it is to be gay.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) December is your favorite month for several reasons, but mostly because you’re a child-like simpleton who is easily distracted by shiny objects and the allure of new toys. There’s nothing wrong with that though, right? Sure, experts are expecting Americans to spend around $600 billion on gifts this year, which is more than the entire GDP of Sweden, over three times more than the amount it would take to eradicate poverty in the U.S., and nearly 10 times the perennially malnourished budget of the Department of Education. But hey, enjoy your presents. Don’t be upset just because your loved ones have to bury themselves in high-interest debt to afford those toys for you, or that those toys are all just going to end up leaking toxic chemicals into landfill sites, or floating around in an island of garbage in the Pacific Ocean that’s already the size of Texas. Merry Christmas!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) I want to thank all you Taurus peeps for your continuing support of astrology columns. All these know-it-all scientists keep saying that astrology is nonsense, but I know I can count on you to keep ignoring objective reality in favor of tradition, sentimentality, and wishful thinking. Who cares if the stars and planets can’t possibly have a measurable effect on your life according to every known law of physics? Would you rather believe that, or would you rather believe that Saturn’s position relative to a (group of unrelated stars arbitrarily grouped together as a) constellation means you’ll be lucky in matters of finance and love? That’s a no brainer. Don’t stop believing!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Your cat can see ghosts. What else could it possibly be looking at when it stares at the ceiling or over your shoulder? Even though scientists refuse to accept the reality of ghosts, we all know they’re totally real. It just makes sense—I mean, if you died a horrible death wouldn’t you want to just hang out in that same room forever? I know I would. And have you noticed how ghosts are never naked? That seems to prove that our clothes do, in fact, have souls. That’s why I never wear the clothes of a dead person. Their clothes are dead and soulless. And sometimes they smell like formaldehyde.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The holiday season is generally dominated by one or two major religious celebrations. That’s unfortunate because there are so many special days in December that don’t get the attention they deserve. For example, did you know that the 19th is Oatmeal Muffin Day? Or that National Flashlight Day is on the 21st? There’s even a mysterious holiday on the 8th called “Take it in the Ear Day.” For real. Google it. Then buy some earmuffs.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) You just love Christmas carols. Sing along with me! “Jingle Bells. Leo smells. You really are quite dense. Your horoscope says you’re a dope. It all makes perfect sense!” Oh, here’s a good one—“Deck the halls with brains of a Leo! Fa la la la laaa la la la la! They don’t take showers and they smell like pee-o! Fa la la la laaa la la la la!” No, wait. Better still: “Rudolph the red-nosed Leo, had a very shiny ass! And if you ever saw it, you would say ‘No thanks I’ll pass.’ All of the other star signs, used to laugh and call him ‘punk.’ They always pantsed poor Rudolph, or punched him in his Leo junk!”
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Virgo, I owe you an apology. All these years I’ve been lying to you. I’ve been telling you that the advice and predictions in this column have been based on the position of the stars and planets. The truth, I’m ashamed to admit, is that I’ve just been making it up. By the time I get to Virgo I’m so bored and drunk that I put down the star charts and just freestyle it. On the plus side, this has actually made your horoscope readings 37% more accurate than all the others.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) I’ve got some career advice for you Libras. Quit your current job and follow your heart. Ever since you were little you knew what you wanted to be, but everyone told you it was unrealistic. They shat all over your dreams and told you to be “practical.” “Go to college,” they said. “Be responsible,” they said. Well, you did what they said and where has it got you? Sure, you have money to pay the rent but what about your happiness? Now is as good a time as any to do what you were born to do: quit your job, apply for welfare, and be one of the “takers” that cable news warns us about.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) You Scorpios know the importance of astrology. You know that horoscopes save lives. Take my Aunt Sally, for example. Every day Aunt Sally takes heed of the warnings in her horoscopes. This is how she’s avoided being mugged, being hit by a bus, catching ebola, having her heart broken, being bitten by a moose, having her thoughts read by a psychic baboon, falling face-first into a turtle with a turd on its back, or other such calamities. Instead of living out in the dangerous world, Aunt Sally is safe inside the basement of her boarded-up house, wearing her tinfoil hat and obsessively counting her toes for good luck. Thanks astrology!
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) If I could offer you Sagittarius people one piece of advice this month, it would be this: Don’t eat the yellow snow. If I could offer you a second piece of advice, it would be this: use some delicious lemonade to make some yellow snow; then use that lemonade snow to teach the neighborhood children that yellow snow is delicious. If I could offer you a third piece of advice it would be this: Don’t actually follow the above advice until you’ve consulted your attorney and a psychologist, because your sociopathic ass is probably going to end up in jail.