Well, he really did it. Jon Stewart up and left the Daily Show. That little jerk has been riding my coattails for years, stealing my jokes and using my Horrorscopes for his own personal gain. He’ll never admit it but he would have never been this successful without my brilliant astrological forecasts. And now everyone’s crying because he’s leaving the show… Boo fricken hoo! I’ll be damned if I let that guy steal my thunder again, so I’m quitting too. I know this will be a devastating shock for you loyal fans, but try to get a grip. They’ll probably replace me with someone better. Can you honestly imagine that they could find a sloppier, more offensive columnist? Doubtful. The Horrorscopes have nowhere to go but up, because let’s be honest, we’ve been scraping shit off the bottom of the barrel for a long time now. If that doesn’t cheer you up, oh well. Let me wipe away your tears with one last fake horoscope made up of exactly 37% insults, 44% bathroom humor, and 69% completely accurate math figures. Seriously though, thanks for your continued support of Horrorscopes and The Basic Alternative.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Your ruling planet, Saturn, is in the armpit of Andromeda this week. That means, ironically perhaps, that you should stop believing in the kinds of magical thinking that attempt to justify belief in pseudosciences… Pseudosciences like astrology. Astrology used to be considered a science, but only until real science showed up and kicked its ass. That happened around 1700. Amazing then that otherwise normal, rational people still believe in it to this day. On behalf of horoscope writers everywhere, thanks everyone for being scientifically illiterate!
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Uranus has completely disappeared. Scientists are baffled. It’s as if it just floated away like a big blue balloon. This signifies that you’re an airhead. You’re going to lose something valuable. It will probably be something that doesn’t belong to you. Someone’s probably going to kick your ass or at least unfriend you on Facebook when they realize that you lost their shit. Start apologizing early.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Pisces is ruled by Neptune, but is Neptune even a planet anymore? We’ve all been so obsessed with Pluto’s status that nobody remembered to check on poor old Neptune. Feeling unappreciated, Neptune ran away. Who knows where Neptune went? If I had to guess I’d say he went to Blackfoot. Not much happening there. Check the potato museum.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Mars is a planet for assholes, and that’s why it rules over Aries. Does that offend you? Of course it does. Assholes love to get angry with almost no provocation. Go ahead and get pissed. You’re just proving me correct. The stupidest part is that you don’t understand I’m trying to help you. I’m saying that your craptastic nature is not your fault. You were just born under a bad sign. If I wasn’t quitting this gig I’d set up an Asshole Aries rehab clinic to help teach you things like “How not to yell at the servers when you go out to eat” or “How not to drive in the left lane unless you’re passing another car.” But I am quitting, so it’s no longer my problem.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) People who say “I’m a lover, not a fighter,” usually tend to be neither lover nor fighter. Your ruling planet bears the name of the Roman goddess of love, Venus, and you’re one of those non-loving losers. No one wants to love on anyone who doesn’t fight for something, so there’s no such thing as a non-fighting lover. If you’re one of the lucky Tauruses you’ll be rich enough to hire someone to fight for you, and then you might get some love as a sugar daddy/sugar mama. Ultimately it will be unfulfilling but that won’t stop you from enjoying some raucous lovemaking in the meantime. But again, that’s only if you’re rich. The rest of you are shit outta luck.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Mercury is bullshit. It’s a lot like Pocatello in the summer—Hot, dry, and conspicuously thin on fine dining options. And maybe that’s why there are so many Geminis in southeast Idaho. You’re all ruled by Mercury and therefore a bunch of chapped-ass non-eater-outers. Your girlfriends probably hate this more than anyone. If I’m being honest I’d have to say that tiny Mercury is one of the least significant planets. People probably think of you as a pissant person since Mercury is such a pissant planet.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) The moon is your ruling planet according to traditional astrology. This begs an important question—Which is more stupid: A) The institution of astrology which claims to understand mysterious subtle cosmic forces but doesn’t understand that the moon isn’t a planet? Or B) You, for believing in the institution of astrology which claims to understand mysterious subtle cosmic forces but doesn’t understand that the moon isn’t a planet??
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) The sun? Really? That’s your ruling “planet?” I just lectured Cancer about being ruled by the moon. I’m starting to get a little skeptical of this whole astrology thing. It’s almost as if the geniuses who invented it were primitive screwheads who didn’t know a goddam thing about astrophysics. You guys and Cancer should start a petition to get yourselves real planets.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) You’re obnoxiously un-original and prone to copying people. That’s why it’s so appropriate that Virgo just decided to copy Gemini and go with Mercury when they were handing out ruling planets. You’re the guy/gal who says “Yes” when your mom asks if you’d follow your friends off a cliff. You’re descended from a race of Venutian lemming people, which is why you have such rat-like features. Do yourself a favor and invest in a parachute.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Your ruling planet is Venus, named for the Roman goddess of… Wait. I’m having a weird déjà vu moment. How come so many of these damn zodiac signs are ruled by the same planets? Who is in charge of this whole astrology thing? Guys, I honestly think we’re being trolled. Nobody could take astrology seriously, right? I mean it’s the most ridiculous system of superstitious nonsense I’ve ever heard. I can’t believe I’ve devoted my life to perpetrating lies about the truthfulness of astrology and… Wait… Now I remember… I’m getting paid. Never mind, forget what I just said. Astrology is totes legit.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Scorpio is ruled by Pluto, which is hilarious since Pluto wasn’t even discovered until 1930. It’s hilarious in light of the fact that astrology claims to be ancient wisdom from thousands of years ago. Humans haven’t even known about Pluto’s existence long enough to have witnessed one half of one revolution around the sun, which takes 248 earth-years to complete. That’s a common red flag to watch for in pseudoscience—simultaneously claiming to derive authority from longevity and tradition while quietly re-evaluating old beliefs when they’re disproven.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Congratulations on being ruled by Jupiter. Jupiter is really the only planet worth a damn in this chicken-shit marble collection you humans call a “solar system.” If it wasn’t for noble Jupiter, we Lizard People might never have noticed you. That probably would have been better for you if we hadn’t found you though. We’ve propagated ignorance, superstition, and pseudoscience throughout your cultures to prevent you from reaching your potential. As long as you remain weak we can treat you like cattle and steal your lunch money and stuff. We may have helped you build the pyramids but we were laughing behind your back the whole time.