It’s difficult to admit fault and say you’re sorry. That’s how I know you’ll never do it. You dirty sons of guns have been shitting on the Horrorscope staff for as long as we can remember, and we’ve been holding a grudge. We lock ourselves down here in the secret underground astrology labs and slave away over your star charts just to have you crap all over us (minus Carl, who enjoys that sort of thing). You didn’t like what your star charts said one week so you decided to “shoot the messenger.” (Or poop on the messenger in Carl’s case, but only because he asked first.) People…We have feelings. But remember what Buddha said: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die (after they shit on you, hopefully in the figurative sense, unless you’re a weirdo Horrorscope intern named Carl). Maybe it wasn’t Buddha. It was probably Carl. I get them confused sometimes. Anyhow, today is International Forgiveness Day, so I’m going to let go of all the bullshit you’ve done to us. Here is a list of all the things I’m forgiving you for.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Remember that one time, when you and Dave were hiking and you accidentally kicked that little rock? It started slowly rolling down the hill. You shrugged and walked the other direction. Well that one little rock knocked loose some other little rocks, and those little rocks knocked loose some bigger rocks, and well… It turned into a massive avalanche. A school was buried. Hundreds of children died. More importantly, the landslide blocked the street when I was trying to drive down to buy a raspberry slushy. I forgive you.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Remember that one time, when you and Janet were cooking toast in the bathroom? You thought the edge of the bathtub would be a good place for your toaster, and you left it there. The next day Janet’s brother came in to take a shower. He didn’t notice the toaster behind the shower curtain. He stepped in and turned on the water. He bent over to pick up some shampoo, and that’s when his fat ass knocked the toaster into the tub. Zap! More importantly, the accident knocked out the electricity to my whole neighborhood and I wasn’t able to watch my daytime soaps. I forgive you.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Remember that one time, when you and Gary were helping those old ladies across the street? That was really nice of you. Helping old ladies across the street is such a kind and thoughtful thing. I’m sure you earned a really nice merit badge. The only problem is that you weren’t there when those old ladies needed to go back across the street to return home. So they just say there for hours, watching the traffic zoom past, until they died. More importantly, one of them was buying my groceries so I had to go without milk on my cereal for the whole day. I forgive you.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Remember that one time when you and Loretta were buying beer and cigarettes for those orphan kids? Those hopeless little bastards got hopped up on booze, stole a car, and were sent to adult prison. The ironic tragedy is that their real parents, film producer billionaires with 15 vacation homes and private jets, had just located the kids and were on their way to rescue them. Those poor orphans are doing 25 to life instead of going home to a life of luxury. More importantly, their bazillionaire parents heard the news and turned around, preventing me from being able to pitch my new screenplay idea. (It’s a story about a guy with a weird toilet fetish named Arl-Cay.) I forgive you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Remember that one time when you and Steve were chasing that butterfly through a meadow? That was adorable. Sadly, the startled butterfly beat it’s wings a little more violently. This extra effort produced a bigger gust of wind. That gust of wind was just the right amount of extra fuel for the local cold front to become a full-fledged storm. That storm picked up speed and collided with another storm at sea. The ensuing hurricane wiped out several small Pacific islands. Thousands injured or dead. More importantly, the storm caused a rain delay at my softball game, so I didn’t get home to bed until almost 10:30. I forgive you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Remember that one time when you and Linda were goofing around on the escalator, and the mall security guy was like “You damn kids better stop that!” But you wouldn’t listen. Then your shoelace got stuck and you were screaming for help. A stranger dove to the floor and cut your shoelace right before your foot was sucked under. But then his face got stuck in the conveyor, and it ripped all the flesh off his skull, and he was screaming like a banshee and now everyone treats him like he’s some kind of freak instead of a hero. More importantly, the store manager hit the emergency button which made the escalator stop, so I literally had to walk up the stairs instead. I was so exhausted. But I forgive you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Remember that one time when you and Bob were eating all the marshmallows out of your favorite leprechaun-themed breakfast cereal as a prank, because you knew Bob’s roommate would freak out? But all that candy spiked Bob’s blood sugar and he went into some kind of diabetic episode. He was like shaking and foaming at the mouth and went into a coma for seven years. More importantly, Bob was supposed to take notes for me in our astrology class, which meant I actually had to attend class myself when he went to the hospital. I forgive you.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Remember that one time when you and Sally were playing with matches behind the old convenience store? You burned up that pile of sticks, but the breeze caught an ember and carried it to the roof. You couldn’t get up there to check on it. You ran home and pretended it never happened. Meanwhile a raging inferno burned down twelve city blocks. Hundreds were put out of work and six elderly folks and three children died of smoke inhalation. More importantly, I had to go totally out of my way to drop off the mail on a different street. I forgive you.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Remember that one time when you and Gilbert threw snowballs at cars off the freeway overpass? You hit a Dodge Stratus that slammed on its brakes and skidded on some ice. It careened into a semi-truck which jackknifed across both freeway lanes. Before all the dust settled you’d caused a 47 car pileup. More importantly, they erected a fence where you were throwing the snowballs which made it so that I could no longer throw snowballs at cars either. I forgive you.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Remember that one time when you and Melissa were goofing around with the creamer packets at that restaurant? You were holding them over your eye socket and stabbing them with a fork—this caused the creamer to squirt all over while you screamed “Oh God my eyeball!” It was pretty funny until some little kid saw you do it and tried it on his real eyeball. The parents sued the restaurant. It went out of business. The fired employees stopped going to their own favorite restaurants so they, too, went out of business. These hundreds of displaced workers were no longer spending money anywhere in the community, and so the economic dominoes tumbled down until the city was nothing but a ghost town. More importantly, you stole my joke without giving credit. I forgive you.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Remember that time when you and Rod were playing on the monkey bars at recess during 3rd grade? You de-pantsed poor Rod while he was just hanging there, defenseless. Everyone on the playground saw his Batman underpants and laughed at him. Rod dropped out of school, and by the time we got to 4th grade he was already a kingpin drug pusher out on the streets. I heard he was killed in a gang-related shooting while we were in junior high. More importantly, Rod traded me his green pencil for my red pencil right before recess that day. After recess I decided I wanted my red pencil back but Rod was gone. Now I’m stuck with a dumb green pencil. I forgive you.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Remember that one time when you and Carl were fooling around and he asked you to dump on his chest? You didn’t. You were disgusted. You left immediately and never called him again. Carl was upset. He lost his mind. He began referring to himself in third person as “Carl,” and started writing Horrorscopes. Now everybody is reading these crappy poop jokes and it’s ruining their day. I forgive you though.