Have you ever noticed that cats were worshiped by ancient Egyptians as well as by today’s internet nerds? That’s because the internet was invented by ancient aliens right after they built the pyramids. Aliens also taught me how to Dougie, but that’s a story for another time. The point is this: when aliens manufactured genomes for the first humans (roughly 300 years ago, shortly after the death of dinosaurs and Fraggles) they used viruses to implant certain internet videos in your DNA—It’s to give you clues about your eternal astronomical destiny. That’s why they’re called “viral videos.” But I hear you saying “I’m not a DNA scientitian. I’m a potato thumper.” First of all, I have no idea what a potato thumper is. But no worries, friend. Fire up your Youtubes. I’m here to let you know which viral video defines you.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Do you like to jam out on your grandma’s old keyboard? No? Hm. Do you like dressing up animals in human clothes and then forcing them to do random human things? Like a dog wearing a kimono and mowing the lawn, or a hamster wearing a bra while cooking dinner? No? Hm. Then I honestly have no idea why your ancient alien viral video is Keyboard Cat.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Looks like somebody has a case of the Mondays. That’s a super annoying thing to say. It’s also annoying when someone won’t stop talking about how much they look forward to the weekend. If you are that excited by the weekend then maybe you should find another line of work. I don’t look forward to weekends I’m usually up all night on Saturdays, up on the roof with a telescope to read the stars for you dicks. When I hear you longing for the end of the work week it makes me nauseas. So it seems fair that your ancient alien viral video is “Friday” by Rebecca Black.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) You’re cute, yeah. But you’re totally oblivious, especially when you’re eating. And you sneeze a lot. What’s up with that? And why are you so easily spooked? If I had to describe you in four words it would be oblivious, sneezy, adorable, and jumpy. It makes perfect sense to see all these traits represented in your ancient alien viral video: Sneezing Panda.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Do you ever have trouble distinguishing between dreams and real life? Do you ever pick at your mouth uncontrollably? Have you ever been harassed by a four-eyed loser? Have you ever found yourself confused while under the influence of intoxicating substances? Do you have two fingers? Yes, all of the above. Your ancient alien viral video is David After Dentist.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) You’re often pegged as a drama queen. I think you’re just sensitive. Sensitivity isn’t a bad thing, really. But sometimes you take it too far. Sometimes it seems like you’re trying as hard as you can to insert yourself in someone else’s drama when you make emotional appeals on their behalf. Nobody wants that kind of support. That’s why no one will be shocked to hear that your ancient alien viral video is Leave Britney Alone.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) You’re skinny, awkward, and goofy looking. But you’ve got soul. Some might say you’re a four-eyed nerd. Some might call an unconventional one-trick pony. Some probably wonder why you keep leaning away from the microphone to breathe, or how it’s possible to write songs about really serious subjects that are so unintentionally hilarious. No matter. Your gangly uncoordinated frame hides a surprisingly deep voice, rich and smooth. Chocolate Rain is your ancient alien viral video.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Where the hell do I start? What planet do you live on? I don’t mean that literally. I mean you’ve got a mind like a vegetable. It’s like someone lifted the lid off your head, removed your brains, and replaced them with a rancid beef-and-broccoli fart. I think I can still see the scar around the crown of your head. The look in your eyes lets everyone know that the lights are on but nobody’s home. What the hell is a “toitul?” Your ancient alien viral video is Zombie Kid Likes Turtles.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Look, I don’t want to scare you, but your brother is a sociopath and a cannibal. Nothing makes him happier than burying his teeth into soft, spongy, still-living human flesh. Seriously, it makes him giggle like a baby. But the strangest thing is that you seem oddly turned on by his weird fetishes. Brothers shouldn’t put each other’s body parts in their mouths. The ancient ones wanted to warn you about this, so they insisted that your ancient alien viral video should be Charlie Bit My Finger.
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Some people feel completely free to be themselves and give zero shits about what anyone else thinks. You aren’t one of those people. You prefer to do your thing in private, away from the judgmental eyes of the cold cruel world. Unfortunately that makes people curious. They start whispering “What is that weirdo up to?” Then they start prying into your life. When they finally find out what you do, they mock you mercilessly until you end up in a mental health facility while your parents sue them for uploading that video on the interwebz. Naturally your ancient alien viral video is Star Wars Kid.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) No shit, Sherlock. You probably hear that a lot. You’re a real Captain Obvious. You can’t help but point out things that are glaringly self-evident. This makes you a natural target for the sarcasm of cynical folks. You hear things like “Nice idea, Einstein!” “Nice throw, Joe Montana!” “Nice dancing, Baryshnikov!” Our intergalactic overlords also have a cynical sense of humor, so they embedded you with imagery that acts as a perfect sarcastic chaser all of your dumb comments. Your ancient alien viral video is Dramatic Chipmunk.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) You’re one of these annoying people who don’t understand that Harry Potter is CHILDREN’S literature. It’s not fit for grown ass adults. Why in the world would an adult invest time in this childishness considering the alternatives? There’s a wealth of literary classics that you’re missing out on. Harry Potter is the happy meal of the literary world—It’s really time for you to feed your mind something more nutritious. The aliens knew this, so they gave you a film where Harry and his friends get blown up. Your ancient alien viral video is Potter Puppet Pals: The Mysterious Ticking Noise.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Wine, wine, wine! Wine for the win, amiright?! Everyone knows that you love the wine, and everyone knows that you’re a danger to yourself and others when you’ve been drinking it. It’s not that you’re a mean drunk—You’re just clumsy. You’re liable to break things, run into things, and lose things. Most of the time it’s just an innocent party foul but it’s only a matter of time until shit gets real. When it comes to shit getting real in a wine-related video clip, the aliens had you pegged. Your ancient alien viral video is Grape Lady Falls.