I’ve consulted the stars and am now prepared to issue a prediction: Your taxes are due on Wednesday. You’re welcome. Prognostication is just one of the many services we perform for you down here, deep in the secret underground Horrorscope labs. Weddings, bar mitzvahs, happy endings…. You name it! Unfortunately recycling old poop jokes has fallen out of favor in the wedding industry, so we’re doubling down on what we do best: Pretending to be the kind of shitty people who lie to you about having the supernatural ability to predict the future. So in honor of our W-2s and 1040s day in the spotlight, here is a list of other unpleasant things that are inevitable for you beyond death and taxes.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Ass. Ass is inevitable for you. Sometimes it will be good ass, as in “Yeah, getting that ass,” or “I’m kicking ass!” Sometimes it will be bad ass, as in “No, stop blasting ass,” or “Help! There’s a shampoo bottle stuck in my ass!” Sometimes it will be painful, like “I slipped on this shit and fell right on my ass.” Sometimes it will be a mean-spirited lie, such as “This meatloaf tastes like ass!” But mostly it will be completely unsolicited and ambiguous; i.e. “What the ass? Get that ass out of my ass! Move your ass away from my ass before I lose my ass all over your ass.”
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) Drunken spiders. Drunken spiders are inevitable for you. Everywhere. The drunken spiders are everywhere. When you enter a room you must immediately check behind the door, under the furniture, and in the webby upper corners because they’ll be there, waiting for you. They’ll probably be so intoxicated that you can catch them unaware, and that’s good. It’s good because they’re mean little buggers. Spiders aren’t friendly drunks. They’re sadistic, and all their normal passive aggressiveness boils over into all-out confrontation.
Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20) Industrial ventilation fans. Industrial ventilation fans are inevitable for you. This should come as terrible news. There’s only one good thing that can come from industrial ventilation fans (ventilation, stupid), but a million bad things. Think about it. You could lose a sandwich. That’s right. You could trip and drop your sandwich into an industrial ventilation fan. Then what would you eat? That’d be a bad day right there.
Aries (March 21 – April 19) Bad acid trip sitcoms. Bad acid trip sitcoms are inevitable for you. They’re like regular sitcoms—bumbling overweight father, sassy mom who’s way too hot to be married to asshole father, fast-talking streetwise brother, and over-sensitive awkward little sis. Except in the bad acid trip family father has a giant octopus tentacle slithering out of his butthole and sensitive sissy is sewing her own tongue onto fast-talking bro’s forehead. Sexy mom is watching the whole thing while she bakes cookies with her gigantic Bigfoot hands. And instead of living in a modest suburban home, the acid family lives in a rabbit named Pete.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Children who are smarter than you. Children who are smarter than you are inevitable for you. This is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to someone, so you have my sympathies. One time I got in an argument about the capitol city of West Virginia. I had this dude convinced that it was Sacremento, but then some little four-eyed bastard comes streaking past on his scooter and yells CHARLESTON! So embarrassing. I wanted to beat the hell out of him. These kids today have no respect for the lies of the elderly.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Man-eating owls. Man-eating owls are inevitable for you. You will meet your maker in the belly of a fierce bug-eyed predator of the feathered and hootie variety. It could be worse. You could die from a Hootie and the Blowfish overdose. That would truly be a fate far too terrible to wish even on one’s worst enemies. After two or three songs I’d be begging to have my liver torn out by anything with a sharp beak.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Paranoia of hypochondria. Paranoia of hypochondria is inevitable for you. Hypochondria is when you have anxiety about undiagnosed diseases that you probably don’t have, like your cousin who ruined your birthday because the cake wasn’t gluten-free and she was convinced that she was suddenly gluten-intolerant. You aren’t a hypochondriac. But you will live with paranoia that you might be. So every time you start to feel the symptom of an illness you will lay awake all night wondering if you’re really sick or if it’s all in your head. This will spiral downward as your immune system weakens every time your anxiety spikes. Enjoy.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) Amorous armadillos. Amorous armadillos are inevitable for you. You probably think that’s strange since armadillos aren’t common in SE Idaho. Ok, armadillos weren’t really in your star charts this week. “Armadillos” were a last minute substitute for the thing that I originally wrote about. But that original thing was deemed “inappropriate,” “class-less,” and “unambiguously immoral” to write about. That’s actually pretty impressive by Horrorscope standards. So now instead of that thing, you can expect to get your leg humped by an armadillo. Thanks PC police!
Virgo (August 23 – Sept 22) Tankards of blue playdough. Tankards of blue playdough are inevitable for you. FYI a tankard is a kind of cup, and playdough is a modeling clay that dumb kids try to eat. Wait. Is that…? Yep. Yep, it is. I see some playdough stuck in your teeth. Your parents must be so proud.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) Heartache. Heartache is inevitable for you. I’m not speaking in some abstract metaphorical romantic sense. I’m talking about a physical ache in your physical heart. That’s how it feels when ghost worms from outer space feast on your heart flesh. It hurts. You should have never allowed ghost worms from space into your chest cavity. Did you really think that would end well? After eating out your heart, the ghost worms from space will use your hollow rib cage as a cozy spot to spin their outer space ghost cocoons so they can metamorph into their adult stage—redundant elder space gods from space.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21) Inevitability. Inevitability is inevitable for you. Oh, what? You think that’s cheesy and dumb? Well guess what, dick? Sagittarius gets this kind of dumb meta-Horrorscope all the time and they never complain. Maybe you should learn to be more constructive with your feedback. This is why everyone thinks your Sagittarius sister is prettier than you. It’s all about the attitude. Yours sucks. Oh, I suck? No, you suck, suckface. I’ve had enough of your whining. Scorpio is now canceled as a Horrorscope sign. From now on the Horrorscope entry between Libra and Sagittarius will be addressed to Suckface, you sucking suckface.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) Zombie dinosaurs. Zombie dinosaurs are inevitable for you. But don’t worry. They aren’t as disagreeable as either human zombies or living dinosaurs. They’re actually quite cultured. They love to sip tea and have long-winded discussions about Victorian architecture or Scandinavian language families. Sort of elitist, really. Just don’t try to call them out on being pompous and pretentious because they’ll, you know, eat you and stuff.